Showing posts from November, 2016

Here | Poetry 2016

He's here.
Damn it he's here.
I can feel his marks again.
I can hear him laughing.

He's here.
He never really left.
He never really went.
He doesn't wanna leave.

He's here.
It was a mistake to believe.
It was wrong for me to drink.
I can't escape.

He's here.
He's waiting in the dark.
He's watching in the shadows.
He watches me while I sleep.

He's here.
They don't believe me.
They never will.
That's what he always says.

He's here.
They say ghosts aren't real.
They say angels protect me from demons.
They are wrong.

He's here.
He looks like an angel, as always.
They surrender me, again.
They always thought the bruises were makeup.

The reality is makeup covered the bruises.

Unanswered | Literature 2016

It's like I'm chasing something that just always out of my reach
Near enough to entice, far enough not to be grasped
How do I keep up with you? It's like you're mythological
Like you're a dishonest dream, an enchanting nightmare
A cage I can't escape, chains I can't break
This is no longer part of my reality
Or is the very same, oh the shame!
That I fell for the very same tricks
I used to use with previous unfortunate souls
Is this the karma they revere so much?
The one they fear, the one who garners so much terror?
Is this it?

Shall I be forever be trapped in this never ending abyss
Like the Titans of Tartarus?
Or am I just being melodramatic, hormones kicking in?
Shall I be forever a prisoner of your eyes?
Your embrace, your words, your kisses?
Breaking free in a few hours, but it's just like a trick
Just a few moments of freedom, just a feel of what lies behind?

What shall happen now?
Shall I leave, shall I go?
Shall I stay, shall I be here?
Should I…

Venus | Poetry 2016

She often joked about her names
That each name represented a part of herself
Jokingly she'll change characters and ask me to call her by different names
She was obsessed with theatre and role play and acting
She was a rising star because she bring so much life to a role
It seemed like she never acted a character
The character just became her.
She was a pitiful orphan, bringing tears to the audience's eyes
She was a shameless courtesan, arousing the men in the room
She was a saint, a martyr, an angel
A soldier, a widow, an enchantress
A rebel, a writer, a priestess
One time she was cast for a role named Venus
For the first time ever she declined
She never declined a role, making time for each and every act
But Venus was declined.
She tore the script, burned the sheets
"I can't act Venus." she said.
"But that's your name" I replied.
"I can't, it will be too much"
"Too much of a role? But that's why they love you, because you giv…

Mukha ng Kinabukasan | Poetry 2016

Ako ay nasa bawat sulok ng lugar na ito.

Ako ay nagkalat sa kalye, sa sulok, sa loob at labas ng mundo.

Ako ay nabibilang sa henerasyong di kilala.

Henerasyong hindi pa kumpleto ang istorya.

Ako ang hinehele ni inay, inuutusan ni Itay.

Ako ang kinabukasang inaasahan ni Rizal.

Ako ang laman ng computer shop sa gabi.

Wala sa silid aralan, napag-iwanan at huli.

Ako ang may karatulang "Wag Tularan" sa daan.

Ako ay bihag ng maagang kapusukan.

Ako ang simbolo ng maling desisyon.

Ako ang nagtatamo ng paso ng sigarilyo.

Ako ang lumuluha ng patago.

Ako ang hinahalay sa dilim ni tiyo.

Ako ang ipinaglaban ng mga bayaning lumipas.

Ako ang inaruga sa sinapupunan ni Ina.

Ako ang tagapagmana ng hacienda ni Papa.

Ako ang itinataguyod ni ni ate at kuya.

Ako ang sandigan ng sambayanan.

Ako ang pundasyon ng kinabukasan.

Ako ang kumakatawan sa karamihan.

Ako ang nangangarap tumuntong sa paaralan.

Ako ang nagtitiis makapag-aral lamang.

Ako ang umaasam ng diploma at parangal.

Ako ang nakatakdang …

25 facts about me | November 2016

Hi, I’m Janessa, 20 and I want to live a life worth living again.

So that you can get to know me a little bit better, and beat my deadline of everyday blogging, I listed down 25 facts.. well, about me. :D
- I am an only child. But I have two sisters and two brothers. (Go figure.)
- I have 3 first names and I like to associate my moods to them. Janessa is the go getter happy-go-lucky and cheerful side of me, Anne is a quiet, anxious, kind and eager to please everyone, and Louise is my bitch side.
- I was a print and ramp model for two years. I went on a hiatus to study and pursue other passions.
- I have been in nine schools in the eighteen years that I have been in school.
- I did my own makeup for my Prom and that started my love for the art.
- My bestfriends have been my bestfriends for more than 14 years.
- I originally wanted to be a film director, but fate led me to being a teacher.
- I am totally cool with same sex relationships, marriages, etc.
- My first language was English.

Iliad: The treatment of mortal and immortal women | Academics 2016

Note: Here's the final draft of the essay I shared a few days ago.  I don't take full ownership of this essay, as this was a group project. The reason why I said the first one draft is mine was because I composed that by myself, and then submitted it to rest of group and provide the essay's base. From then onward, it's a group project.  I have permission from my group mates to share this here on my blog and ask for feedback. This is also our first academic paper and I know we do have a lot of room for improvement. Our range is also only from Book 1 to 11, which explains any questions you have about not mentioning other scenes Book 12 and onwards.

In Ancient Greece, women were believed to be intellectually weak and inferior because of their strong emotions. It is because of this discussion that free women were regarded as second-rate citizens who had no influence on politics, economics, or culture. We, humans, have come a long way from how women are treated in society. …

Questions | Poetry 2016

I've always been one with poetry
I've always known which words to use
I've always believed in the patience of paper
I've always told my story with ink

Once again I ask for leniency
Let me express my feelings
I need to write out my agony
Lest I let sorrow ruin me

There are certain people with me
In my mind, in sleep and dream
For a few moments they leave me
But they always return to spite me

How ashamed I am to admit
That these people are my family
The ones who torture me mentally
Share the same blood as me

It's hard, it's depressing
To think that they test my sanity
Over and over for nineteen years
Are you trying to break me?

I don't know what your goal is
You have once forced me off the cliff
Once again are you pushing me
And make sure to this time end me?


Disclaimer: These were written during one of the darkest points of my life. I have since recovered and I just wanted to share what helped me survive. :)

My First Active One RX Order | Reviews 2016

I finally tried it!! After two years of being employed here, I have finally taken advantage of one of our most useful yet least popular perks. Happy employee here :)

From their site;

ActiveoneRx, an online pharmacy solution, is a licensed retailer of pharmaceutical products committed to providing employees of ActiveOne clients with high-quality prescription medication right at their doorstep. With convenience, quality and value for money as its core values, ActiveoneRx promises to deliver only the trusted and effective brand and generic medication with guaranteed free shipping and the best price available with every transaction.

I ordered on November 12, 2016 and it was delivered on November 17, 2016. Not bad. We have the option to pay for it upfront or have it deducted directly from our salary. I chose the latter option because it was more convenient and assures that I don't have anything left to pay.

I ordered the following;

I would have to check my favorite drugstore and see if …

How does an immortal/mortal man treat their women? Their enemies women? | Academics 2016

(This is my first draft, any feedback is very much appreciated.)

The relationship between men and women are varied, depending on the culture, era and even upbringing. Some view women as the lesser sex, insisting on their dominance and authority. There are of course, men who see women as equals, with the same power and capabilities they have. In this essay, I would like to discuss how, in Iliad, immortal or mortal man treat their women and their enemies' women, detailing an argument that is as old as time itself.

The Iliad starts out with a fight between Achilles and Agamemnon over a girl, which leads to a break in their friendship and Achilles's desertion of the Greeks. Throughout the Iliad, the male and female interaction are few, but notable. In Book 1, we see how the captured women are treated -- as nothing more but prizes that can be traded or passed between two masters. Chryseis, being the daughter of a priest, was saved this fate by having Apollo on her side, but in retu…

Pashnea! | November 2016

For those not familiar with Philippine Teleseryes (TV Series), I just uttered an Enchan swear word, which means "Animal!". This is what (mostly) adult diwata and encantados (fairies) say when things don't go their way. In Filipino, this translates to "Hayop/Hayop ka!" (You're an animal) which is mostly an expression that means you're not acting like a human or an encantado. The teleserye that I'm talking about is Encantadia, the most ambitious telefantasya (a genre of TV series that deals with fantasy worlds) to date. It was so successful that it had two sequels and a requel. It also has a movie crossover. I'll just link the Encantadia Wikipedia page  if you're interested -- I can go on and on about this an be as biased as I can be.

I am saying this because, Pashnea! Adnes nesa aduwa iva? (Animal! What is the meaning of this?!) The requel (retelling sequel) is totally diverging from the original story line! I have been warned this will happ…

Missed | Poetry 2016

It's oftentimes in these quiet moments
That you will feel something missing
Like your heart forgot one small beat
Like your lungs forgot how to breathe

It's a small, trivial thing
That when you're busy you don't see
But once your mind decides to wander
That's the moment when we..

We miss the hugs and kisses
We miss the laughter and tears
We miss the feeling of being together
We miss everything, each other

Right now that I'm thinking about it
It's as if I'm underwater
I'm scared to let go
For I feel like I will drown

Drown in the loneliness of your absence
Perish because of sadness
I once felt like I was sailing smoothly
But now I've lost all my buoyancy

I've lost direction, lost my map
But you're the Polaris that guides me
Far away, but twinkling brightly
Reminding me that you're still with me

Your name won't escape my lips
But my heart knows you very well
My skin has memorized your touch
Your face burned in my mind

Someday you&#…

Frustration | November 2016

Since it seems that I am not going to be released from my MCN even though I have not been uploading videos or even using my account, I have decided to close my channel and just start anew. This means I also have to go through 999 subscriptions and 300+ videos on my account. So much hassle!

Two years ago I sincerely believed that connecting with an MCN would help me a lot, but it turns out that's all BS. I didn't get the help or attention or exposure I needed and just ended up getting burned out. Fast forward to now, I filed an unlink request on October 21st, well within their 30 days before contract renew, and when I checked it earlier, lo and behold, it reset. This has happened twice and now I'm out of the 30 day period to cancel renewal and I am not dealing with them for another two years. I'll just cancel my account and start anew and forget this ever happened.

I don't want to be affiliated with an MCN anymore, I'll just figure out everything along the way, …

Future Plans | November 2016

I just want to collate all my thoughts regarding my future plans, and add a few more that I can think off.

When I turn 21, I want to get my own credit card and start building a good credit history. I also want to start having a legit savings account and take advantage of the auto-save feature of my bank. I also want to get a new phone because although my phone is well-loved, it's too glitchy and I need to upgrade to a phone that will cater to my needs as a blogger. Speaking of blogging, I should also have my uploading schedule (planning on a twice a month upload for youtube and blog posts). I also want to be able to schedule a monthly photoshoot for my OOTD's and glam shots. Because why not? Routine wise, I should have a workout routine and just continue my Korean Skincare Routine.

By the time I turn 22, I should have doubled by credit limit and and be able to travel as this is my designated travel year. I want to go to the following places;

Boracay, because I have never ever …

November 9-14, 2016


I forgot to blog yesterday.

Forgive me, I was too sleepy and my brain was all fuzzy that I just wanted to get the over with and sleep at home. But I'm refreshed, and I want to make it up with a (hopefully) lengthy post.

Let's talk about how I see myself in the future. how I visualize myself and where I'll be.

I see myself as a successful influencer in a few years, attending events and inspiring people, providing them hope and proving to them that the impossible can be done. I also see myself with a college degree, my own house, car and engaged, maybe married.

Hmm. Maybe doing this every year instead? I think that would be best.

Okay. So currently 20 years old. Let's start setting goals and action plans.

Auto-Save - By the start of the year I should have auto-save (750) every time money rolls into my payroll account
Credit Card - I want to start building a good credit history, so that I can have something to back me up when I buy my own house (or build it, depen…

On Again. | November 2016

We got back together "officially" on the 12th. Although I guess our breakup is a fuzzy one. I don't know. I'm confused. Or maybe it's because I'm just feeling really low today.

You see, it's been one of of our primary issues even when we were a new couple. I'm the type of girl who wants to meet the family and and make myself known to them. It gives me a sense of pride and security to know that someone is actually that proud to bring me home and introduce me to the family. And maybe because that's also one of my non-negotiables on my side. That the guy has to have the courage to meet my family even before the assurance of me saying yes. The old school way of courtship. That was how I was brought up.


Two years into this one and I have yet to see his side of the family. I know it's quite far away and I don't think it's right to stay overnight there while we're still in the bf/gf stage, but I'm getting kind of impatient.

I …

I didn't see it coming | November 2016

Okay. Hold up, I didn't miss a day. i just forgot that i don't have internet connection at home, nor do I have the blogging app on my phone. Also, it was my restday yesterday, so that's that.

Anyway, I am officially single for a day. Not sure if this will last, or if we will get this fixed in the future. We're supposed to talk on Tuesday, and we'll see what happens from there. We're on good terms though. I told my grandmother what has happened, mainly because she asked. She took it well, and I guess it's because she feels like I'm okay, which I am.

My Saturday was so and so. I didn't really have any desire to eat, and I just watched the Harry Potter movies over and over again. Sunday.. I did some chores and did the laundry. Now, I'm on overtime because I'm a broke girl and I need some cash :3

That's my lame excuse for a blog for the weekend. :/

Demotivated | November 2016

To be honest, I'm really demotivated to make a post, but I figured this is the exact time to make a post.

If that made sense.

It's just that I'm disappointed. Mad. Hurt. Sad. Like always.  I think I need to unplug, you know? I'm tempted to repeat 10/07/13 but why should I? That would only end everything, and to be honest I don't want it to end. I want to feel every stab and slash and bullet life throws at me and still hope that I can get over everything. That I can move on somehow.

Because the sad part is I'm feeling the need to move on even without anything ending. Like how it was with X, Jaren and Mabs.

For X, it was the complete opposite.  Short the "official" part of that one may be, but it helped in a way. He was at least 9-10 years older, if I remember correctly. We were in the same church group and just grew closer than the other people. Granted, I had a bit of crush on him, and I think he capitalized on that. Nevertheless, I was too young to b…

An Open Letter | November 2016

It's a tale as old as time. You never really know a person in a few months of being together. All relationships go through stages, and the most dangerous part is the comfortable stage. This is where all the madness start to creep out. When all the effort fizzles out. When you finally feel that everything and anything you do is okay because.. well.. you're comfortable.

Fights start, tears fall, voices elevate. This stage is the most potent of poisons. Only a few survive, and some don't even get a chance to taste the antidote.

... and I'm breaking. slowly. I'm missing him, piece by piece. I'm scared, and confused and.. I don't know. I don't want to be the one to make the move again.. as always..

But I have to be strong, and stick to what I said. Maybe this will take us out of this zone we have unwittingly entered. I don't want to be a woman in the background. I am not a meek little lady just waiting for a guy to sweep me off my feet. I did try to be l…

No Closure | November 2016

They said my blog is my space to to express myself. And so, here I go.

November 4, 2016. I am steeling myself and making my decision to stop this madness. Just like my previous post, I am going to start and slowly let go. I know I can't do it at once, but I can do it slowly. Little by little, I would have to release everything to the wind. I would have to forget every little thing about us. How he makes me smile, makes me laugh, how he makes me feel in general. I don't know how to do it, but distancing myself seems to be the best solution for now. I would have to learn how to take care of myself, and enjoy the company of myself. I would have to improve myself, and find clarity within my being. Maybe when I find myself, I will be able to make peace with everyone around me. With what's happening around me. Maybe I can accept what I deserve, and not what I think I deserve.

I guess I'll start with making my apartment feel like my apartment and not just a place to sleep an…

Almost Missed It | November 2016

I almost missed the blog post today. Had a lot of meetings to go to, but that's okay. I'll just try and make a post really quick.

... and I don't know what to post. I don't even know what to say. I just feel down and sad. I don't really know why. I'm just going to post about my skincare regimen I guess.

So I've been trying out the 10-step Korean skincare thingy. the only things that I don't have are the ampoules because those are too pricey for me. The rest I just make do.

Since I tried the Korean Skincare steps, I noticed that I am waking up with a glow. A nice glow, to be honest. I have also been using sheet masks daily and I like the results. Hope I can slowly add in working out too so that I can also have a great body and not just great skin.

Commitments | November 2016

So it's November 2nd. All Soul's Day or Undas, here on my end of the world.

Today let's talk about.. my commitments for every aspect of my life, per se.

For school, of course, pass with flying colors and be in the running for a Latin Honor.

For home,  be able to go home regularly and keep in touch with my family. I need to get to know them and vice versa. I have been distant for a few years and it's about time that I present to them who I have grown up to be.

For work,  I promise to finally get my scorecard back to its original pristine state (already kinda failing on that one but hey, it's still early in the month). I also promise not to be late as much as possible (also need to bounce back on that one, I was late for a few minutes earlier). I also want to be as productive as I can be.

For personal, I want to improve myself, take care of my health and get fit. There are around 6-7 months before summer hits here, and I want my beach bod to be ready. Even though it…

Life Updates | November 2016

So, November 1st. Should be kind of a bad omen since it's the day of the dead. But then again, why not just imagine it as a day where in the past dies and I'm renewed?

I'm big on these renewal stuff, and I hope I can finally manage to follow through on this one. Kinda sucks to start over and over again.

As a warm up, I'm just going to use this blog post as an update with what's going on with my life.


I am taking up AB Humanities in University of Asia and the Pacific, thanks to a generous scholarship of my company, Telus International Philippines. I'm a freshman (yet again, see how I always seem to start over again and again?).

Since I'm working full-time, we have a very forgiving class schedule -- only three meetings a week, 3 hous each.

My Monday class is Classical Literature, and right now we're studying the Iliad by Homer. Currently on Book 5-6 and boy oh boy, honestly I'm starting to get bored. Not with the story, but with how it's …