On Again. | November 2016

We got back together "officially" on the 12th. Although I guess our breakup is a fuzzy one. I don't know. I'm confused. Or maybe it's because I'm just feeling really low today.

You see, it's been one of of our primary issues even when we were a new couple. I'm the type of girl who wants to meet the family and and make myself known to them. It gives me a sense of pride and security to know that someone is actually that proud to bring me home and introduce me to the family. And maybe because that's also one of my non-negotiables on my side. That the guy has to have the courage to meet my family even before the assurance of me saying yes. The old school way of courtship. That was how I was brought up.


Two years into this one and I have yet to see his side of the family. I know it's quite far away and I don't think it's right to stay overnight there while we're still in the bf/gf stage, but I'm getting kind of impatient.

I guess it just kind of messes up with my head that I'm not worthy or that he's ashamed of me or I have done something wrong. Or maybe his family doesn't like me. Or that he already have someone else over there that he's not telling me. Maybe I'm just a pastime here or maybe he's just using me. I don't know. So many thoughts in my mind and it's eating me from the inside out. It's not a good feeling. I have convinced myself earlier that it's because of the distance, of the time, of the schedule. or maybe it's because he wanted to be sure that nothing bad can be said once he introduces me. But why can't even I get a decent answer even with setting a plan? Why can't we try and foresee that part? We've already dreamed up of baby names, future travel destinations, house layouts, wedding, etc.. but why not meeting his family? I think that's what fucks me up more because it seems like there's no plan at all for me to meet the parents or anyone else on his side for that matter. That this relationship will only stay here and remain here. That I'm only being used and that I'm just a bitch to call when he's bored or wants company. That I'm nothing but a side chick. An escort. A whatever a girl is called when she's just called on when the guy is bored. A non-priority.

It makes me sad. Really sad. And insecure. Really, really insecure. It gnaws on me and it feels really hollow where my heart and stomach should be. It makes me question every single thing I said or did. What I do or say. If it's right or wrong or proper or improper. It fucks me up so bad but I can't say anything because I feel like I'm just nagging him and he's getting annoyed and that I'm just ruining the mood.

So I don't speak up about it at all. I just let it eat me alive and shut up. I just deal with it on my own and try to enjoy the moment at least. Try to enjoy it while it lasts because I sincerely feel like one day it will end and I'll be left behind again. I also try and keep a little something for myself. Hold back a bit and not give me all since there's no assurance of everything being reciprocated.

I guess I'm on my lowest low right now huh? This post is just so depressed and the opposite of what I was feeling the past few days. I guess that's my mood swings for you. Maybe there's really something wrong with, I don't know.

I'll just try and make it through today. Que sera sera.

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