An Open Letter | November 2016

It's a tale as old as time. You never really know a person in a few months of being together. All relationships go through stages, and the most dangerous part is the comfortable stage. This is where all the madness start to creep out. When all the effort fizzles out. When you finally feel that everything and anything you do is okay because.. well.. you're comfortable.

Fights start, tears fall, voices elevate. This stage is the most potent of poisons. Only a few survive, and some don't even get a chance to taste the antidote.

... and I'm breaking. slowly. I'm missing him, piece by piece. I'm scared, and confused and.. I don't know. I don't want to be the one to make the move again.. as always..

But I have to be strong, and stick to what I said. Maybe this will take us out of this zone we have unwittingly entered. I don't want to be a woman in the background. I am not a meek little lady just waiting for a guy to sweep me off my feet. I did try to be like that.. but.. it's just not me.

I am show-off. Pathetic that may sound, but I'm a sucker for attention. I want to be praised. To be recognized. To be known. I don't want to sit in a corner. I want to be in the middle of the room. I need the fuzy feeling that compliments give me. The cozy feeling of knowing that hey, someone's proud of me.

Another thing is that I'm immature. Immature in a way that I am used to getting my way and what I want. I am used to being a priority and having all the eyes on me. I want what I want and I get what I want. If I don't, it's either I completely disconnect and save myself the heartbreak or I get fussy. Just like the infamous fight or flight instinct of every specie in the world. That instinct is quite strong with me. I hope that is understood.

Right now I'm doing my best to stay strong. To not call you and give you peace of mind that I can be manipulated very easily. That I would go begging for you just like before. I've eaten too much of my pride to do that again. My pride is what gets me going. It's a part of me, and constantly trying to wrestle in away from just kills me. It strips me down to my very core and leaves me feeling so vulnerable that I even get scared of what I can do to myself.

I know it's petty. I know what I'm doing is childish. But I don't know how to make you realize how much of myself I have thrown away or hidden just to become your version of perfect. I'm tired of pretending, of trying to change for someone else's approval. I thought changing for you would make you proud of me, but I guess not. Whether I say, stay or strive, nothing happens. And it kills me.

I don't want to die.

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