13/365 | Dear Diary 2023

/ January 12, 2023


I stopped planning my life when I was 16, because I didn't want to reach my 18th. 

But I did, and so I planned my life till I turned 25. 

Reached some, achieved some, surprised myself a lot by the unexpected twists and turns. 

A new year has now begun and once again I am stuck at a crossroad. In disbelief, again. I thought life ended at 16 and planning ended at 25, but... 

Here I am again, filling up a planner that I just bought, continuing my story that should've ended 8 years ago. Here it is again, my ardent and carnal desire to bleed and immortalize my heart, my dreams, my ultimatums, and my soul onto paper. Here I go again.

She who dares, wins.



I stopped planning my life when I was 16, because I didn't want to reach my 18th. 

But I did, and so I planned my life till I turned 25. 

Reached some, achieved some, surprised myself a lot by the unexpected twists and turns. 

A new year has now begun and once again I am stuck at a crossroad. In disbelief, again. I thought life ended at 16 and planning ended at 25, but... 

Here I am again, filling up a planner that I just bought, continuing my story that should've ended 8 years ago. Here it is again, my ardent and carnal desire to bleed and immortalize my heart, my dreams, my ultimatums, and my soul onto paper. Here I go again.

She who dares, wins.

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*breathe in, breathe out*


To be completely honest, ringing in the new year didn't go exactly as planned. I cried a couple of hours before the fireworks, didn't get the perfect picture to post at exactly 12MN, didn't have a dinner reservation, forgot to order my planner ahead of time, didn't have my resolutions ready, yada yada yada. 


Ending 2022 just wasn't "it". 


I honestly felt so miserable and I just wanted to go home and sleep it off. 


But I didn't. 


I waited for the fireworks and kept on breathing. 


I'm only going to say this once here, and perhaps never again. 


I never planned to see 2023. My goal was to sleep in 2022, and never wake up. I was so close to doing it, too. I was just too tired to continue, you know? 


There have been way too many issues and I feel like I'm way too old to have these issues. Like, I should have all these resolved by now. I should be okay by now. I should've achieved so many things by this year and I should just be chilling at this point.


But I'm not and I have been feeling so damn tired. So, 365 days ago, I gave myself a year to fix stuff. 


I know you must'v been expecting a cheery new year post, and I'm sorry that these rambles just aint it. 










(I've had this draft open since November 2022, it's January 2023 now and I am regretting not finishing it up sooner ahaha)


To be quite honest though, my mind is so blank that I don't even remember what I was supposed to write lol but here goes nothing I guess. 


At the start of year, I was writing down my resolutions and wishes for the rest of the year. I was praying and crying for friends and connections that will help me stay. 


Around my birthday, I reconnected with my family that I would've never ever thought possible. Even met more people who came to accept me as I am. Who made me feel like I was worthy of being chosen. That I actually belonged somewhere. I felt like I was able to mend myself piece by piece.


I also met colleagues who went out of their way to include me, even though I was the one isolating myself. Colleagues who pushed me to do good and be more. People who chose to listen and understand, and work with me for the better. For once in my life I was able to excel and feel like I can step up again. 


It's the last month of the year now, and instead of crying and praying for friends, I am now crying and thanking the universe because I am surrounded by people who genuinely support me. People who celebrate my wins with me. People who care. 


So, thank you. Thank you for convincing me to stay.

 


 










 










 










 


i wish you have given me closure 

instead of neverending questions 

i wish you left me bitter 

rather than wishing it was never over 


you could've told me you were never showing up again 

but now all i wait for is your door bell 

you should've given me at least something to hate on 

but all i could think of is you're perfect 


you're perfect but perfect doesn't exist 

but i could've sworn i felt the warmth of your kiss 

did i just dream of you all along 

or is it because you simply vanished without a trace?


i mean i know you're there but why is there such a wall 

why do you keep yourself hidden

when you could've made the world fall in love with you