Demotivated | November 2016

To be honest, I'm really demotivated to make a post, but I figured this is the exact time to make a post.

If that made sense.

It's just that I'm disappointed. Mad. Hurt. Sad. Like always.  I think I need to unplug, you know? I'm tempted to repeat 10/07/13 but why should I? That would only end everything, and to be honest I don't want it to end. I want to feel every stab and slash and bullet life throws at me and still hope that I can get over everything. That I can move on somehow.

Because the sad part is I'm feeling the need to move on even without anything ending. Like how it was with X, Jaren and Mabs.

For X, it was the complete opposite.  Short the "official" part of that one may be, but it helped in a way. He was at least 9-10 years older, if I remember correctly. We were in the same church group and just grew closer than the other people. Granted, I had a bit of crush on him, and I think he capitalized on that. Nevertheless, I was too young to be in a relationship and was terrified of getting caught, and so that ended after 12 days. I also got banned by my elders to attend further youth group meetings (I think someone tattled on me) and never saw him again. I was more pissed with not being able to attend meetings than breaking up so I guess that explains how I felt about that relationship. He's married now.

For Jaren it was getting a haircut when I realized that I was never going to match his bestfriend. That I won't be enough or that I have nothing against someone who is always with him. And so that ended a few days after Christmas. When it did though, that's when I was shocked to know that I didn't feel anything. Turns out what we had was something more of friendship. Platonic even. I was two years older than him and it was more of being an ate than a girlfriend. More of having someone to talk to rather than waiting for others to talk to us. Something to hold me and keep me coming back to memories of that grassy oval, laying on the grass side by side after hours and dreaming of what the unknown future will bring. We didn't even share a kiss. Just a simple peck on the cheek when we're parting ways. After the breakup, we became friends. He made a move towards his bestfriend, and I started seeing someone else.

Now Mabs, this is one relationship that if I could undo, I would. So much promise, but it was like a funeral. Peaceful outside but full of decay inside. He was the first guy to actually try and woo me. Other college guys who did backed out when I told them that they have to meet my family first. But Mabs, he did. Although he and my grandmother had a few issues, he visited and told them that he had plans of courting me. He would fetch me for a date and accompany me home, without missing a deadline or curfew. He would even randomly visit me in my dorm and we'll have lunch somewhere. He even met my mother's family, which was a first time (and probably the last). He earned the trust of my family and eventually, me. He's not exactly someone with a good reputation. He was a player, a timer, a fuckboy, dare I say. He had strings of girls and flings and fights. And yet, in the year that we were getting to know each other, he seemes to be a completely changed guy. And so I said yes. Now even a month in though, a series of photos were sent to me. He was with another girl. The same girl would become my friend and will be a huge elephant in the room for rest of our replationship. There was also another girl, who even had the nerve to tell me face to face that we were sharing the same guy. And then another who would bully me over facebook using a dummy account and comment on my posts dangling a shameful fact. I was being cheated on. Over and over again. Yet I can't let go. He still made appearances of good faith towards me and my family. Until a day that I'd rather not talk about. Which became a vicious cycle. I finally had the guts to cut him off but he's still in background, watching silently.

I haven't figured out why I have this unlucky streak with guys, but I guess I just wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship back then. Maybe I still am not ready for a relationship. I don't know. But that's my post for today.

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