Sometimes, I wonder why.

I wonder why I didn't think of her feelings when I bullied her. She was there for me all my life and yet I chose the wrong crowd and turned against my own best friend.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I skipped classes just so I can be accepted and thought to cool enough, but also called other names I'd rather not say out loud.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I stopped strumming the strings, pounding the keys and singing my heart out. I wonder why I chose to stay up late at night with my cool friends and drown myself with liquor, with the bonus of smoke suffocation. I wonder why i allowed myself to get drunk and wasted just so i can boast of a hangover the next day in class and boast of all the bar hopping and house parties I went to, all without parental permission and spending my tuition money.

Sometimes I wonder why I said yes.

I knew you were trouble but I jumped with you anyway. I wonder why I didn't heed the red flags everyone was waving in my face. I wonder why I didn't run the other way when I caught you cheating a week into our official relationship. I wonder why I didn't leave when i started to get bruises and being paranoid and scared of loud and shouting voices. I wonder why i never said anything when people asked if was okay and that they noticed me changing. I wonder why I chose to starve myself because I deemed myself to the too fat and too big and that I'm taking up too much space.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I picked up the phone after crying my heart out, and that single moment kept me alive until the ambulance came. I wonder why I was saved even though i wanted out. I wonder why I'm given a second chance to get everything right and yet here i am not even able figure out what I want to do with my life.
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Coz I'm sleepy this seems like the perfect time to talk about what I don't usually talk about.

See, I can be myself here. i can post whatever I want without anyone judging me. Or maybe I just don't really care. IDK really.

I'm all over the place.

Is it obvious?

I think so.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I can't seem to take one and focus on it. So many ideas.

And yet.

Here I am without anything on my hands.

I'm just so fucking confused I guess.

Why am I confused, I don't know. Or maybe I do, I just don't want to accept it.

I have some two hours left to gather my thoughts and appear happy to everyone again.

I think this is just a sugar crash talking. Feeling low all of sudden.. That's not my way anymore right? I'm over that.

Or am I?

Fuck this.

I'm going nowhere.

Adios for now.
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Sometimes I wish I stayed, but leaving gave me a reason to breathe.

I was browsing some Facebook a few moments, and came upon the pages of my old friends. Old, and not ex, because really, there's no bad blood between us. Just a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication that was mostly due to me. Now I realize how much of a shitty friend I was and I wish someone called me out and guided me. Then again, stubborn me won't listen till I've learned things the hard way.

Anyway. So I was looking through their photos and posts, etc, and I saw how many moments I could've shared with them. I could've been part of an actual barkada, or had a solid group of college friends, but I guess that's not meant to be. Either I inherited my father's "loner" side or I just can't support long term friendships. I always have to make a mistake or do something wrong or offend someone and be too shy to admit my mistake which leads to a gap and a falling through.

To be honest, I don't see myself as a loner type of person. I mean, yeah I enjoy my alone time, but that's about it. I still enjoy time with friends and meeting new people and being there for them. I see myself as an open book, sharing my experiences and giving advice and showing my true self. Bubbly, as my ex-stepmother once said. Friendly would be what my grandmother would call me. Dependable, my teachers would say. Actively engaged is how my TL's would describe me. Confident, my friends and peers' first word for me.

And yet.

And yet, even after all those faces and personalities and so-called friendships, why is it that when the time comes, I can only call on God to listen to my deepest and darkest fears and my 2AM thoughts? Why can't I bring myself to call my bestfriends of 14++ years and talk about my insecurities? Why do I always keep the bad stuff from my family's ears? Why can't I cry my heart out in front of my boyfriend?

Why can't I let my hair down and bare myself naked -- truly naked to a fellow human being?

I don't really know.

All I know is that I have to be perfect all the time. Be happy all the time. Be accomplished. Be successful. Smile during the worst days of my life. Be a prim and perfect girl. Is that who I am? Or am I the feminist that I claim to be?

All I'm sure of is that something snapped in me a long time ago. Something got slashed away from me, which led to my inability to make a long term relationship.

Was it when I lost contact with my sister? When I was calling my grandmother everyday through a payphone because I was so scared and homesick that I would just cry then and there? When my father threw my childhood relics in front of me and disowned me? When puberty hit me like a motherfucking train and left me with scraps of my childhood?

Remembering those feels like reopening wounds that are not fully healed. Not sure if that makes sense, but let's go with it.

Reopening those wounds are not pleasant, so I'll just end this here.
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Don't fall in love me, that's the only warning I'll give you.

Don't fall in love with me, no matter how much you're tempted.

No matter how much you want to.

I beg of you, don't fall in love with me.

Previously I warn myself not to fall for you, but I've realized there's no danger that I will, because I can't. Because I'm already  in love with someone else, and my heart doesn't work that way.

And so now, it's you that I have to protect from myself.

Please don't fall in love with me.

What we have is uncertainty, but we need not to be reminded. What good would it bring, except ruin the present? And so take my hand, and deeper into this mess we go. With our hands entwined we'll face whatever this may bring, whether it be salvation or flames.

We can have our fun, make ourselves believe we're the last two humans on earth, we can make time stop or make it go faster. We can enjoy the stolen moments, we can make false promises. We can conquer the world. We can make our own world.

But remember this. At the end, when I have to choose, I will not choose you. I can't choose you.

You're not the one I love.
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I can't keep you out of my head.

I can't seem to function without a glimpse of you.

That smile you make, the laugh you let out. Your jokes, your stories, your entire being.

This is a battle of hearts and I'm on the losing side. I know we can make a truce but what thrill would that be? Shall we just continue this risky behavior and let ourselves be caught in the moment? Forget the past, forget the future, ignore the audience and whatever will happen?

Shall I let myself be lead on while thinking I'm the one with the winning card? I know I am putting myself in jeopardy, I know I'm being naive. But what good would smartness be, if the cost is losing you?

But I should. I should and I have to leave. But not right now, perhaps when it's a little too late. Perhaps when I'm in too deep and there's no escape but eternal flames.

I remember a song I wrote a few years ago, while I was watching a couple fighting in public. I didn't know back then that song will be my anthem now.

Ika'y pangarap na aking di makakamit, ika'y magiging akin lang sa panaginip. You're a wish I'll never get, you can only be mine in my dreams.

I can change things, you know? Stake my claim and call you mine. But to do so would be throwing away something far more precious, and far more rooted in me. Changing things would mean admitting secrets I wish to keep from you till I die, and exposing myself naked to all the eyes of the world.

I can't do that. Not when I feel that this is nothing but a game. Not when I know there's someone else. Not when I'm not the only one.

Nor will I ever be.

That's our thorn, you see. I want to be the only one for you.

And I can't be.

Not when you're not the only one for me.
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Right from the start I knew you were going to be trouble for me. You're the type of guy I can have a dangerous relationship with. The one I can wrap around my little finger and consume my entire being.

One event and several bottles of mojitos later, you're knocked out and I was the one cleaning up after you. Another party and the tables have turned.

From that point onward something snaps in both of us.

I would describe it as two souls recognizing each other, and knowing this is not the right time. This is not the right place. This is not the right person.

I am not  a free woman, and you are a free man. We are both committed. Me, to my beloved, and you, to whoever the lucky woman will be.

Whatever this is, whatever we are right now will only be a passing fancy and nothing more. This is but a game that bored people play, the dangerous game which holds all of hearts at stake.

It's the modern version of courtly love, of whispered promises and false offerings of hope. These butterflies you give me, the shivers done my spine are the effects of an infatuation I am hopelessly trapped in.

We have played this game before, and as always, I will guard my heart with walls of steel, walls of stone, walls of ice. I will cover the path with sharp thorns laced with poison. I will not let myself fall.

Your words speak sincerity and your actions do the same.

But I can not trust you. Not fully. Not truly. Not ever.

It hurts and it pains me, that one day you may read this and realize the evil being that I am, playing with your feelings. Or maybe you will rejoice and see the effect you have on me.

I try and ignore you but end up waiting for your texts and calls. I avoid you at work but pray to God I see you even just one time.

We meet outside of work and go on trips around the metro.

You make me feel special.

I know it's wrong but it feels so damn good.

My conscience eats me alive at night.

What are you doing to me?

Is it just the same of what I am doing to you?

Or am I right to assume that this nothing but a game of courtly love?
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Okay. I have cooled down from my energy drink high yesterday and I can now make a decent post.

I have decided that I'm going to try and jumpstart posting everyday again, while trying to post about mostly makeup (since I am going to try and launch my channel by January). Just to get me started and used to talking about makeup.

So to start, I'm going post about my Holiday Wishlist (which mostly contains makeup)

    Maybelline Color Tattoo - Grey/Bronze [150]
    Maybelline Liner - Black/Peach [150]
    Bench Paintbox - Shadow stick (rose gold)
    Bench Paintbox - Red Liptint [250]
    Loreal - Primer [250]
    LA Girl Pro Concealer - highlight color [169]
    FS - Angled Brush [100]
    FS - 2 way cake - chino/rajah (color match) [150]
    FS - Concealer - highlight/contour (color match) [100]
    F21 - Twist Eye Pencil - Lilac [3/100]
    Colourpop Bundle - Poppin, Notion, More Better [700]
    Powder Bundle - Ben Nye, Coty Airspun, RCMA No Color Powder [600]
    RCMA No Color 20g [250]

So much stuff so little money. LOL!

I'll update this and see if I do purchase the items on my list. :)
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(What now bestfriend?/Your move, bestfriend!)

So. It's December and I'm not posting anything because I failed my November blog challenge. I wasn't able to post everyday. And so I'm postponing my serious blogging till 2017. Maybe do a bit of warm up for the 12 days before Christmas.

To be honest, I really just don't know what to fucking post. I feel so all over place that I don't know what to do. Or where to start. (or maybe this is just the energy drink talking)

Everytime I watch youtube videos, I get so inspired to make my own videos but when i try to make my own, all hell breaks loose. i try and rehearse and goes perfect, but when I start recording, nothing happens. I just --doe in the headlights. Awkward and mumbling baby.

Or maybe it's just the perfectionist in me that hates, hates, hates putting out something with flaws.

IDK really.

See. Even this post is all over the place. *sigh*
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There are a lot of thing I am
There are a lot of things I'm not..
There's a happy side of me
There's one drowning in tears
It seems to me that I am no longer her
That girl who once vowed to conquer the world
My strength seems drained
My smile seems cold
I look in the mirror and I see none
Seems like I've disappeared now
I feel trapped once again
Why does freedom flee?
Yesterday my own sins bind me
But now another's trap me
The chains are stronger now
My own mind suffocates me
My own thoughts invalidate me
My is it that I bear this curse
It seems like a never ending race
Who will win, who is the victor
Will my darkness prevail
Or will hope once again recover me

--

Disclaimer: These were written during one of the darkest points of my life. I have since recovered and I just wanted to share what helped me survive. :)
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Whew. The past few weeks have been pretty damn hectic and sleepless and just plain filled to the brim that I just couldn't find the time to post. Thank goodness I played around with scheduled posts and stuff and so my blog wasn't entirely dead the whole week.

You see, we have company parties maybe 2-3 times a year and I always make it a point to attend and participate, especially with the contests. So far I have joined the modelling and the dance competition twice. Just for kicks and not really for the cash or anything. I have won once for the modelling and for the dance competition, we won 2nd place last time and then 3rd this time. I don't know where to find photos of the previous events, but here are some snaps from the event.

The theme was 1,2,3, Glow! Black Light Party. It was my first time to attend a party like that and the experience was amazing! It was held in The Palace Pool Club in BGC and it was perfect! We were allowed to use the pool but we decided not to as it too cold (and we didn't have any swimsuits -- we can only use the pool with proper attire).

This is definitely one of those unforgettable moments that makes me glad to be a part of my company. We work hard and play hard!

Next Rec Event, I'll be there not as a contestant, but as a Top Performer Awardee as well. :)















P.S. Yes, I know, kind of a shitty post. Better posts coming soon! <3

P.P.S. I'll try and recreate my look as well and post it here. :)
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I've always believed that home is where the heart is
Home is where I belong
Home is not a house, but a place
Wherever you feel calm

It's a wonderful place of peace
Away from shadows and monsters
And terror and nightmares
Home is where I feel safe

I thought I'd never find home
But home is what I found
When I look in your eyes
When I'm in your arms

I feel safe, secure, nothing can go wrong
I feel at peace and at ease
I never thought I'd find it
But you came and I did

Home is where the heart is
My favorite poetry piece
Home is where the heart is
And you have my heart, all the pieces.
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