Posts

Showing posts from December, 2016

Sometimes | December 2016

Sometimes, I wonder why.

I wonder why I didn't think of her feelings when I bullied her. She was there for me all my life and yet I chose the wrong crowd and turned against my own best friend.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I skipped classes just so I can be accepted and thought to cool enough, but also called other names I'd rather not say out loud.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I stopped strumming the strings, pounding the keys and singing my heart out. I wonder why I chose to stay up late at night with my cool friends and drown myself with liquor, with the bonus of smoke suffocation. I wonder why i allowed myself to get drunk and wasted just so i can boast of a hangover the next day in class and boast of all the bar hopping and house parties I went to, all without parental permission and spending my tuition money.

Sometimes I wonder why I said yes.

I knew you were trouble but I jumped with you anyway. I wonder why I didn't heed the red flags everyone was wa…

Contradictions | Literature 2016

Coz I'm sleepy this seems like the perfect time to talk about what I don't usually talk about.

See, I can be myself here. i can post whatever I want without anyone judging me. Or maybe I just don't really care. IDK really.

I'm all over the place.

Is it obvious?

I think so.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I can't seem to take one and focus on it. So many ideas.

And yet.

Here I am without anything on my hands.

I'm just so fucking confused I guess.

Why am I confused, I don't know. Or maybe I do, I just don't want to accept it.

I have some two hours left to gather my thoughts and appear happy to everyone again.

I think this is just a sugar crash talking. Feeling low all of sudden.. That's not my way anymore right? I'm over that.

Or am I?

Fuck this.

I'm going nowhere.

Adios for now.

Looking back. | December 2016

Sometimes I wish I stayed, but leaving gave me a reason to breathe.

I was browsing some Facebook a few moments, and came upon the pages of my old friends. Old, and not ex, because really, there's no bad blood between us. Just a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication that was mostly due to me. Now I realize how much of a shitty friend I was and I wish someone called me out and guided me. Then again, stubborn me won't listen till I've learned things the hard way.

Anyway. So I was looking through their photos and posts, etc, and I saw how many moments I could've shared with them. I could've been part of an actual barkada, or had a solid group of college friends, but I guess that's not meant to be. Either I inherited my father's "loner" side or I just can't support long term friendships. I always have to make a mistake or do something wrong or offend someone and be too shy to admit my mistake which leads to a gap and a falling through.

To be…

Don't fall in love with me. | Literature 2016

Don't fall in love me, that's the only warning I'll give you.

Don't fall in love with me, no matter how much you're tempted.

No matter how much you want to.

I beg of you, don't fall in love with me.

Previously I warn myself not to fall for you, but I've realized there's no danger that I will, because I can't. Because I'm already  in love with someone else, and my heart doesn't work that way.

And so now, it's you that I have to protect from myself.

Please don't fall in love with me.

What we have is uncertainty, but we need not to be reminded. What good would it bring, except ruin the present? And so take my hand, and deeper into this mess we go. With our hands entwined we'll face whatever this may bring, whether it be salvation or flames.

We can have our fun, make ourselves believe we're the last two humans on earth, we can make time stop or make it go faster. We can enjoy the stolen moments, we can make false promises. We can…

Again | Literature 2016

I can't keep you out of my head.

I can't seem to function without a glimpse of you.

That smile you make, the laugh you let out. Your jokes, your stories, your entire being.

This is a battle of hearts and I'm on the losing side. I know we can make a truce but what thrill would that be? Shall we just continue this risky behavior and let ourselves be caught in the moment? Forget the past, forget the future, ignore the audience and whatever will happen?

Shall I let myself be lead on while thinking I'm the one with the winning card? I know I am putting myself in jeopardy, I know I'm being naive. But what good would smartness be, if the cost is losing you?

But I should. I should and I have to leave. But not right now, perhaps when it's a little too late. Perhaps when I'm in too deep and there's no escape but eternal flames.

I remember a song I wrote a few years ago, while I was watching a couple fighting in public. I didn't know back then that song will b…

To You | Literature 2016

Right from the start I knew you were going to be trouble for me. You're the type of guy I can have a dangerous relationship with. The one I can wrap around my little finger and consume my entire being.

One event and several bottles of mojitos later, you're knocked out and I was the one cleaning up after you. Another party and the tables have turned.

From that point onward something snaps in both of us.

I would describe it as two souls recognizing each other, and knowing this is not the right time. This is not the right place. This is not the right person.

I am not  a free woman, and you are a free man. We are both committed. Me, to my beloved, and you, to whoever the lucky woman will be.

Whatever this is, whatever we are right now will only be a passing fancy and nothing more. This is but a game that bored people play, the dangerous game which holds all of hearts at stake.

It's the modern version of courtly love, of whispered promises and false offerings of hope. These but…

My Holiday Wishlist | Wishlist 2016

Okay. I have cooled down from my energy drink high yesterday and I can now make a decent post.

I have decided that I'm going to try and jumpstart posting everyday again, while trying to post about mostly makeup (since I am going to try and launch my channel by January). Just to get me started and used to talking about makeup.

So to start, I'm going post about my Holiday Wishlist (which mostly contains makeup)

    Maybelline Color Tattoo - Grey/Bronze [150]
    Maybelline Liner - Black/Peach [150]
    Bench Paintbox - Shadow stick (rose gold)
    Bench Paintbox - Red Liptint [250]
    Loreal - Primer [250]
    LA Girl Pro Concealer - highlight color [169]
    FS - Angled Brush [100]
    FS - 2 way cake - chino/rajah (color match) [150]
    FS - Concealer - highlight/contour (color match) [100]
    F21 - Twist Eye Pencil - Lilac [3/100]
    Colourpop Bundle - Poppin, Notion, More Better [700]
    Powder Bundle - Ben Nye, Coty Airspun, RCMA No Color Powder [600]
    RCMA No Color…

Ano na Bessy? | December 2016

(What now bestfriend?/Your move, bestfriend!)

So. It's December and I'm not posting anything because I failed my November blog challenge. I wasn't able to post everyday. And so I'm postponing my serious blogging till 2017. Maybe do a bit of warm up for the 12 days before Christmas.

To be honest, I really just don't know what to fucking post. I feel so all over place that I don't know what to do. Or where to start. (or maybe this is just the energy drink talking)

Everytime I watch youtube videos, I get so inspired to make my own videos but when i try to make my own, all hell breaks loose. i try and rehearse and goes perfect, but when I start recording, nothing happens. I just --doe in the headlights. Awkward and mumbling baby.

Or maybe it's just the perfectionist in me that hates, hates, hates putting out something with flaws.

IDK really.

See. Even this post is all over the place. *sigh*

Caged | Poetry 2016

There are a lot of thing I am
There are a lot of things I'm not..
There's a happy side of me
There's one drowning in tears
It seems to me that I am no longer her
That girl who once vowed to conquer the world
My strength seems drained
My smile seems cold
I look in the mirror and I see none
Seems like I've disappeared now
I feel trapped once again
Why does freedom flee?
Yesterday my own sins bind me
But now another's trap me
The chains are stronger now
My own mind suffocates me
My own thoughts invalidate me
My is it that I bear this curse
It seems like a never ending race
Who will win, who is the victor
Will my darkness prevail
Or will hope once again recover me

--

Disclaimer: These were written during one of the darkest points of my life. I have since recovered and I just wanted to share what helped me survive. :)

MIA | December 2016

Image
Whew. The past few weeks have been pretty damn hectic and sleepless and just plain filled to the brim that I just couldn't find the time to post. Thank goodness I played around with scheduled posts and stuff and so my blog wasn't entirely dead the whole week.

You see, we have company parties maybe 2-3 times a year and I always make it a point to attend and participate, especially with the contests. So far I have joined the modelling and the dance competition twice. Just for kicks and not really for the cash or anything. I have won once for the modelling and for the dance competition, we won 2nd place last time and then 3rd this time. I don't know where to find photos of the previous events, but here are some snaps from the event.

The theme was 1,2,3, Glow! Black Light Party. It was my first time to attend a party like that and the experience was amazing! It was held in The Palace Pool Club in BGC and it was perfect! We were allowed to use the pool but we decided not to as…

Home | Poetry 2016

I've always believed that home is where the heart is
Home is where I belong
Home is not a house, but a place
Wherever you feel calm

It's a wonderful place of peace
Away from shadows and monsters
And terror and nightmares
Home is where I feel safe

I thought I'd never find home
But home is what I found
When I look in your eyes
When I'm in your arms

I feel safe, secure, nothing can go wrong
I feel at peace and at ease
I never thought I'd find it
But you came and I did

Home is where the heart is
My favorite poetry piece
Home is where the heart is
And you have my heart, all the pieces.