Again | Literature 2016

I can't keep you out of my head.

I can't seem to function without a glimpse of you.

That smile you make, the laugh you let out. Your jokes, your stories, your entire being.

This is a battle of hearts and I'm on the losing side. I know we can make a truce but what thrill would that be? Shall we just continue this risky behavior and let ourselves be caught in the moment? Forget the past, forget the future, ignore the audience and whatever will happen?

Shall I let myself be lead on while thinking I'm the one with the winning card? I know I am putting myself in jeopardy, I know I'm being naive. But what good would smartness be, if the cost is losing you?

But I should. I should and I have to leave. But not right now, perhaps when it's a little too late. Perhaps when I'm in too deep and there's no escape but eternal flames.

I remember a song I wrote a few years ago, while I was watching a couple fighting in public. I didn't know back then that song will be my anthem now.

Ika'y pangarap na aking di makakamit, ika'y magiging akin lang sa panaginip. You're a wish I'll never get, you can only be mine in my dreams.

I can change things, you know? Stake my claim and call you mine. But to do so would be throwing away something far more precious, and far more rooted in me. Changing things would mean admitting secrets I wish to keep from you till I die, and exposing myself naked to all the eyes of the world.

I can't do that. Not when I feel that this is nothing but a game. Not when I know there's someone else. Not when I'm not the only one.

Nor will I ever be.

That's our thorn, you see. I want to be the only one for you.

And I can't be.

Not when you're not the only one for me.

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