Sometimes | December 2016

Sometimes, I wonder why.

I wonder why I didn't think of her feelings when I bullied her. She was there for me all my life and yet I chose the wrong crowd and turned against my own best friend.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I skipped classes just so I can be accepted and thought to cool enough, but also called other names I'd rather not say out loud.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I stopped strumming the strings, pounding the keys and singing my heart out. I wonder why I chose to stay up late at night with my cool friends and drown myself with liquor, with the bonus of smoke suffocation. I wonder why i allowed myself to get drunk and wasted just so i can boast of a hangover the next day in class and boast of all the bar hopping and house parties I went to, all without parental permission and spending my tuition money.

Sometimes I wonder why I said yes.

I knew you were trouble but I jumped with you anyway. I wonder why I didn't heed the red flags everyone was waving in my face. I wonder why I didn't run the other way when I caught you cheating a week into our official relationship. I wonder why I didn't leave when i started to get bruises and being paranoid and scared of loud and shouting voices. I wonder why i never said anything when people asked if was okay and that they noticed me changing. I wonder why I chose to starve myself because I deemed myself to the too fat and too big and that I'm taking up too much space.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I wonder why I picked up the phone after crying my heart out, and that single moment kept me alive until the ambulance came. I wonder why I was saved even though i wanted out. I wonder why I'm given a second chance to get everything right and yet here i am not even able figure out what I want to do with my life.