Unworthy Me | Lockdown Diaries May 2020

I get these random boosts of energy and inspiration, but when I try to get to work, nothing comes of it. 

I don't know how to make sense of it at all. 

It's like I have a weird, menacing and advanced version of a writer's block or a creative block that somehow just removes itself for just a tiny little moment, enough to let me feel some sort of hope that I can do something and get out of this rut..

But when I try and focus all my energy into recovering, it just stuffs itself back up. 

Does that make sense? I hope it does. I hope it makes sense. 

To be honest, I have so many things planned. So many things I want to do and I know I can achieve. Deep inside I have faith that I can do it. 

But it feels like my body is just so over it. My creative flow is so blocked that I don't even know what's worth it anymore. 

I want to get online courses certificates. 
I want to renovate my apartment. 
I want to launch my own business. 
I want to film new videos. 
I want to share knowledge. 
I want to inspire. 
I want to document what has been going on in my life. 

But somehow I can't do any of those things. Now because I don't want to, or that I physically can't... but I feel so drained. 

I know I keep on telling other people that we just have to push forward and be strong and keep on going and that we'll get through this... but I myself I can't seem to follow my own advice. I feel like a fraud. 

I'm thinking, maybe it's because I don't have enough supplies, I don't have enough space, my world is so cluttered. Maybe I am not built for this. Maybe I should just stop altogether. 

And when I finally decide that I have had enough... my mind suddenly goes -- NO YOU HAVE TO KEEP DOING ALL THIS THINGS OR ELSE I AM GOING TO TAP OUT. 

And honestly I don't want to tap out. I don't want to let go. I don't want to die. 

And so I take a deep breath and try again, so through the same loop of misery that is my life right now. 

So, for my friends and projects and the people I love.. I am sorry for being so flakey and if I keep on falling off the face of earth, most especially with things that I am actually supposed to do. Or promised to do. Please know that it is not personal and I am trying my best to be okay and fight through. 

Little by little. 

Step by step. 

Without any promises. 

I will be okay. 

- Nessa


Music I listened to while writing this down. Thank you, Lou Sanchez for making this video that finally inspired me to declutter my mind. 


  1. This is such an honest take on making more out of what we have the time and energy for, and it's very admirable!

    I wish I could aspire to do much more, too, like sharing personal insight on my blog, HappeningPH.com, but at my age I am beset with so many limitations I can only aspire for a safe, peaceful, and happy life.

    I know you can do more and you are. Kudos!

  2. I love your honesty. We all go through similar phases. Take it slow, take time to rest and heal, and do not force yourself to be productive. Anyway, I hope you are feeling better.