Unworthy Me | Lockdown Diaries May 2020
I get these random boosts of energy and inspiration, but when I try to get to work, nothing comes of it.
I don't know how to make sense of it at all.
It's like I have a weird, menacing and advanced version of a writer's block or a creative block that somehow just removes itself for just a tiny little moment, enough to let me feel some sort of hope that I can do something and get out of this rut..
But when I try and focus all my energy into recovering, it just stuffs itself back up.
Does that make sense? I hope it does. I hope it makes sense.
To be honest, I have so many things planned. So many things I want to do and I know I can achieve. Deep inside I have faith that I can do it.
But it feels like my body is just so over it. My creative flow is so blocked that I don't even know what's worth it anymore.
I want to get online courses certificates.
I want to renovate my apartment.
I want to launch my own business.
I want to film new videos.
I want to share knowledge.
I want to inspire.
I want to document what has been going on in my life.
But somehow I can't do any of those things. Now because I don't want to, or that I physically can't... but I feel so drained.
I know I keep on telling other people that we just have to push forward and be strong and keep on going and that we'll get through this... but I myself I can't seem to follow my own advice. I feel like a fraud.
I'm thinking, maybe it's because I don't have enough supplies, I don't have enough space, my world is so cluttered. Maybe I am not built for this. Maybe I should just stop altogether.
And when I finally decide that I have had enough... my mind suddenly goes -- NO YOU HAVE TO KEEP DOING ALL THIS THINGS OR ELSE I AM GOING TO TAP OUT.
And honestly I don't want to tap out. I don't want to let go. I don't want to die.
And so I take a deep breath and try again, so through the same loop of misery that is my life right now.
So, for my friends and projects and the people I love.. I am sorry for being so flakey and if I keep on falling off the face of earth, most especially with things that I am actually supposed to do. Or promised to do. Please know that it is not personal and I am trying my best to be okay and fight through.
Little by little.
Step by step.
Without any promises.
I will be okay.
Music I listened to while writing this down. Thank you, Lou Sanchez for making this video that finally inspired me to declutter my mind.