Unworthy Me | Lockdown Diaries May 2020

I get these random boosts of energy and inspiration, but when I try to get to work, nothing comes of it. 

I don't know how to make sense of it at all. 

It's like I have a weird, menacing and advanced version of a writer's block or a creative block that somehow just removes itself for just a tiny little moment, enough to let me feel some sort of hope that I can do something and get out of this rut..

But when I try and focus all my energy into recovering, it just stuffs itself back up. 

Does that make sense? I hope it does. I hope it makes sense. 

To be honest, I have so many things planned. So many things I want to do and I know I can achieve. Deep inside I have faith that I can do it. 

But it feels like my body is just so over it. My creative flow is so blocked that I don't even know what's worth it anymore. 

I want to get online courses certificates. 

I want to renovate my apartment. 

I want to launch my own business. 

I want to film new videos. 

I want to share knowledge. 

I want to inspire. 

I want to document what has been going on in my life. 

But somehow I can't do any of those things. Now because I don't want to, or that I physically can't... but I feel so drained. 

I know I keep on telling other people that we just have to push forward and be strong and keep on going and that we'll get through this... but I myself I can't seem to follow my own advice. I feel like a fraud. 

I'm thinking, maybe it's because I don't have enough supplies, I don't have enough space, my world is so cluttered. Maybe I am not built for this. Maybe I should just stop altogether. 

And when I finally decide that I have had enough... my mind suddenly goes -- NO YOU HAVE TO KEEP DOING ALL THIS THINGS OR ELSE I AM GOING TO TAP OUT. 

And honestly I don't want to tap out. I don't want to let go. I don't want to die. 

And so I take a deep breath and try again, so through the same loop of misery that is my life right now. 

So, for my friends and projects and the people I love.. I am sorry for being so flakey and if I keep on falling off the face of earth, most especially with things that I am actually supposed to do. Or promised to do. Please know that it is not personal and I am trying my best to be okay and fight through. 

Little by little. 

Step by step. 

Without any promises. 

I will be okay. 

- Nessa

-----

Music I listened to while writing this down. Thank you, Lou Sanchez for making this video that finally inspired me to declutter my mind.