I never thought I’d feel like this again | Dear Diary 2022

I never thought I’d feel like this again. 

Alone in a crowded room. 

I thought I’m now okay with doing everything on my own, but apparently not. 

It still hurts. 

It stings a little every time I get looked over, not really ignored but not really considered. I feel a little pinch here and there when I’m left at my seat all alone because I’m not part of the group lunch. It eats me away, having people around but not people to talk to. 

Because I used to be the girl who can talk to anyone by sheer will. My yearbook quote even says that I can make friends wherever I go, no matter the age. Because I used to be able to “force” myself into the group and connect with people regardless of who they were, with no worries about the aftermath. 

Now I feel like that girl is vacationing away somewhere because reaching out to people now scares the shit out of me. 

It’s so frustrating to want attention but also fear it at the same time. One of my worst fears right now is being in the spotlight and having everyone judge me. I know not everyone does, but that is how it feels. As if I have all eyes on me and that everyone is talking about me, even though I know they have their own worries. 

I used to bask in that feeling, but now I shrink away from it because I am scared that they are going to see all the flaws I see. 

I crave the year 2019 when I have friends at work and friends at home, and friends outside. 

I crave the stress of 2018 when I had friends at school and the office and everywhere I went

I crave the beauty of 2017 when I felt the prettiest and had friends who asked about my day 

I crave the joys of 2016 when I knew there were people who cared about me 

I want connections, friendships… human interaction that doesn’t stop with small talk. 

I remember crying one time on my way home because I felt like I finally had friends and people to hang out with… Tears of joy fell from my eyes until the fear kicked in. I feared that they were only pretending to like me, to be interested in me. I thought they were only there with me because they had to – even though they showed no sign of it. 

So I haven’t reached out to them at all, despite penciling in plans to watch movies. 

Truth be told, I don’t know how to hold relationships at all. I don’t know what needs to be done to keep a person around me.  I have long accepted that. 

What I can’t accept is that I have lost the ability to create relationships too, and that is sadder than 

This pandemic fucked me up in more ways than one, and I am having such a hard time shedding whatever this phase is. The world now feels so huge but it also feels like it’s choking me to death. 

Is it because I feel like a loser, with extra weight, thick glasses, and bad skin? 

So do I lose weight? Get Lasik? Slough of the texture with hundred-dollar facials? 

If I do these things, would people finally like me and appreciate me? Or am I really just a bad seed through and through? I honestly don’t know anymore. 

All I know is, that this part of my life hurts. It hurts real bad.