The Lovers That Went Wrong | Literature 2022

 https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2WbR96gcNkwHHkzDJ6i8fL

In another lifetime, I will be yours. 

Once in our lives we are going to meet a person that leaves such an impact in our lives that it seems impossible to part ways with them. 

But of course, our lives are never as it seems. 

And so we part ways and go on with our separate lives. 

This is the musings of the one who is still wondering about what could’ve been even after months have passed. 

I will try as much as I can to write our story even though I feel like it is trying to keep water in my palms. The details, the memories, everything is all slipping away and I can’t seem to hold on to them. I wish I took more pictures, more videos, more mementoes to help me remember but I felt like I never had to when I was with you. 

Because I never expected you to leave. 

But you did. 

---

I don’t exactly remember how or why we started to get to know each other, but let’s put it in the most romantic way possible. We started as penpals, writing to strangers on the internet and pouring our souls into letters. Or at least I did, during the darkest part of my journey. 

From there we were able to see a reason to continue waking up everyday and doing what we were supposed to do -- live. Or at least, that was how it was for me. That’s how I remember it. I woke up every morning looking forward to reading about your day and what you were up to because it distracted me from my blunt reality. 

I wish I still had access to those letters but I have long since left those letters behind and I have no desire of ever coming back to the place where they are. Even if I did, I doubt I’d be able to recover them though. I don’t even think you have copies of those anymore. I remember you mentioned deleting them long ago. The memory of your voice is now blurry. 

So I will never, ever be seeing those raw letters again, I guess. I wish I treasured those letters as much as I should have, as much as I treasure these memories now. 

Maybe I never expected that you would have this impact on my life. 

My fellow soul, I said. 

But in actuality. 

My soul mate. 

I believe that a person has multiple soul mates. People put on this earth with some semblance to a past life. 

I’d like to think that in our past lives, we were able to be what we could’ve been, that we were able to spend our lives together. 

Right now I am listening to a playlist that I have made with all the songs that remind me of you, and creating a new one that I can leave behind.

It’s been four fucking years and everything still reminds me of you. I started writing this a couple of months after the last time we spoke, after the last time I tried to talk to you and failed. I tried to reach out so many times but I was so scared of what could’ve been. So now, after finding this in my drafts, I’m finishing it up. 

My heart still aches for you and the sad part is that there’s still a piece of me hoping for an encore.

Even though I know that it is highly unlikely for one because you’re now happy with someone who was able to see your worth. If only I was as smart as him, as appreciative, as present.

He’s lucky to have you, and I hope he knows it to his very bones.

I’m writing this requiem to purge my mind of you. To put everything on paper, in hopes of finally moving on from you. 

It’s been so many years now, and you still remain in my mind. 

But I know everything’s over and what we had is now six feet under.

You seem to have found the love your deserve

From another man, so much younger. 

—

I gave you hell

While you gave me bliss

Our magic was sparkling, a spell 

Imprinted behind my dark, round eyes

I showed you sorrow 

While you showed me fire 

Our playlists sing of desire 

But all we could do was divide 

You opened your arms 

While i closed mine

I was so unsure of what could’ve been

You were unknown and i liked planning

She could’ve been me 

He could’ve been you 

But my troubled soul couldn’t let go 

So you had to 

I wish i could remember my dreams 

Maybe you dropped by 

But the moment i open my eyes 

My mind forgets 

But my heart remembers 

My daydreams are filled of you 

Of maybes and could bes and what ifs 

If maybe, I chose you. 

I still play your mixtape 

Back from 19 forgotten 

I still read between the lines 

Maybe i missed something 

Though I know you found your one 

I could only watch you bloom 

I can only yearn for you 

While i die on my own 

Till the morning light, leaving reality

---

I no longer remember my plans for this narrative, was I supposed to scream or cry? I only meant to write about you and me, but I guess the universe had another plan for our history. 

As I watch the sunset from your rooftop, drinking some macchiato and trying to remember all the memories we shared, I also start to let go of the past. 

I remember telling you that I always bring someone else to my significant places, to cover up the previous memories, and perhaps that’s what you think I’m doing now… 

But I'd like to keep this one for me, and I'm here alone. 

Because we are the lovers that went wrong.