3AM Rant | Life 2020

So, for those who didn't know, I have hypothyroidism -- meaning my thyroid gland doesn't work.. at all. So, to function as a normal human being, I take maintenance meds,  levothyroxine sodium, which is a synthetic hormone. Have been taking it for about a decade now. Yes, it makes me feel old lol. 

About two years ago, I decided (conveniently neglected) I didn't need to need it anymore, I felt fine, I'm okay without it. Three months later I get alopecia. Turns out my body NEEDS thyroid hormones to function. So, got back on track, never missed a day since. 

Now, I have been out of it for about two weeks. The first few days were okay, maybe a bit tired, a bit lonely, you know, manageable stuff. A week in, I missed Livestream schedules because I have been crying nonstop because all of a sudden I felt like I didn't matter. Because no one cares about what I have to say. Because I gained weight. Because there was this one mole on my arm that looked too light. By day 14 (today) my mind is so noisy I can't even focus on doing what I need to do. So many what-ifs are running through my mind. So many plans. So many worries. And. I. Can't. Make. It. Stop. 

Because I can't find my meds anywhere. It can't be bought at a local pharmacy. The ones usually buy from no longer has it in stock. I have been denied by online pharmacies because they say my prescription is expired because I haven't been able to go to a checkup to get an updated one. Can't pasabuy because... Prescription! I don't wanna waste someone's time just so they can be denied. 

Ang hirap maging productive kung sarili mong utak against sayo. Sarili mong katawan hinahatak ka pababa. I know I always say na "Mindset Matters" pero minsan talaga parang di na kaya. Yung parang may riot sa utak mo sa dami ng nag aagawang idea pero wala kang mapakinggan ni isa. Para kang nagpapatahimik ng classroom na sobrang gulo at walang may balak makinig sayo. Yung gusto mo na lang umalis pero di mo magawa kasi ghorl pano ka aalis sa sarili mong utak lol. Kahit sa tulog at panaginip susundan ka ng gulo sa utak mo. 

Yung nilalamon ako ng inggit kasi alam kong may mas maibibigay ako pero iba yung pinipili. Pero alam ko na sa sipag at output ako natatalo. Kasi bakit ako hihingi ng sobra kung kulang binibigay ko diba? Utak na nga lang ako meron ako, pulilyado pa. 

Tldr, napakaswerte ko po sa genetic lottery opo. :D 

Congrats sa nagbasa nito alam kong wala ka din naintindihan hahaha 


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