Trust the Process | Life 2018

I cut my hair again.

This time I took off about three inches. Ends are more uneven than ever, of course, but honestly I give zero fucks at this point. I'm just cutting it little by little so that when I do the big chop in about two months time, it won't matter that much. I plan to get a pixie cut once I have enough regrowth to work with. I hope I get enough regrowth.

I can feel more stubble on my scalp, but at this point I don't know if it's actually regrowth or just broken ends. I really need to schedule a specialist appointment so that I know what I'm working with. I'll deal with that after payday.

My hair is still falling out in clumps. I have not washed my hair in 3 days. I don't know when I'll actually wash my hair again. I'm scared. Terrified. I don't want to comb my hair before I shower and see clumps on the floor, wash my hair and see more hair flowing to the drain and yet more hair shedding when I dry it. So I resort to putting my hair up in a bun, using black and brown eyeshadow to cover the skin peeking through and using hairspray. Lots of hairspray. I know sport a "ballerina" bun everyday. For how long, I don't know.

I keep it in a bun because I am ashamed to see it or feel it. My heart breaks everytime I gather it up into a ponytail and I realize how thin it is. I am scared to let down my hair because I feel like every snag and hair flip I do, I lose more hair strands. Or that other people will notice that my hair volume is not as it used to.

I do not want people to notice my hair anymore. A complete 360 degree turn because I have always loved it when others notice my hair and comment about it. How long it is, how thick it is, how soft and smooth it is. Now I pray to God no one notices how small my hair bun is, or that there are gaps between the hair and bald spots around my temples.

It's frustrating and depressing and.. how I wish this episode would end. Or that I wake up if this a bad dream.

I find myself starting at other people's scalps and hair and noting their hair's volume and density, comparing it with mine.

"Did my hair look as luscious as hers?"

"What that how the back of my hair looked?"

"Was my hair as flowy as hers before.. before all this happened?"

If only I had the courage to shave all my hair off and start from the beginning. I do not. I can only see myself getting a buzz cut or perhaps a pixie cut.

I can even feel my insecurities flowing out everytime I face the mirror and see myself in this ballerina bun. I lather on a bright lipstick and pack on a blinding highlight in hopes of distracting myself from my hair. No such luck.

The reality of my situation still weighs me down. I don't cry anymore, yes, but it has now been replaced with shame. Because I am desperate to see progress, I will consider this a baby step up.

Trust the process, Janessa. Consistency is key and I will get through this.