Current State of the Crown: Bonnets, Musings and Little Steps


    Smiling despite being heartbroken.




I have come to the point that I can no longer style my hair to hide the spots.

Still, the fear of people knowing or being curious strikes fear in my heart.

Fear of judgment. Fear of gossip. Fear of pity.

But what can I do?

Not covering it up would invite much more questions.

    Highly visible bald spot.
I've been listening to a motivational podcasts lately and one thing stands out.

    Fear becomes progress and struggle is beautiful.

I have an ongoing battle within me, the good wolf and the bad wolf. Both of them ready to kill each other any minute of the day. Both are mortally wounded but neither have any indication of backing down.

Spotify: Motivational Podcast Playlist by Landon Lynn Clark

Everytime I listen to these podcasts, I see in my mind's eye that the good wolf is growing bigger, stronger, fiercer than the bad wolf. Everytime I get lost in my thoughts, the bad wolf growls louder and prouder. There have been multiple times the bad wolf has grown so big the good wolf looked like a newborn pup.

But somehow, the good wolf slowly recovers and catches up with the bad wolf.

I almost let the bad wolf win earlier. I was so fearful of what other people are going to say that I almost didn't want to go. But I have to, and so I did. I'm so proud of myself.

But now I'm here.

Standing strong and facing all these struggles. One day at a time, one step at a time.

Lately I've been researching so much about my condition, learning about any possible cure (there's none), chances of relapse, chances of passing it down, possible causes, diets or regimens that I can try.. All sorts of things that I can do to help myself.

Looking for something that can help me step up, get up, rise up.

The common denominator is to take care of myself. To realize and remember that I am a human being, I have limits, I need down time.

    I am proud of myself.

I am proud of being able to push myself farther and harder in everything I do. I am proud of creating me.

    But I am not proud of abusing myself.

There's a thin line between pushing limits and abusing capabilities.

I very well believe that I abused my capabilities. To bounce back, to endure, to ignore.

How will I proceed?

I'm not really sure right now.

But sure enough, I will overcome this.

I decided to start with making an effort to keep myself healthy. I got a new Fitbit Zip for starters.

    New Fitbit :)

As for the actual Current State of the Crown, here we go;

    01/11/18
    Weight: 53.2kg
    Mood: Flatline
    Temperature: 36°C
    Blood Pressure: 100/80

I think I'll also add in a screenshot of my Fitbit Dashboard somewhere.

Regarding my second day of taking corticosteroids, I feel mildly bloated and my favorite shirt feels a bit too tight on me. I don't really have an appetite as well. I think I've eaten less that a thousand calories yesterday.

The ointment is still the same -- meh.

I skipped the medicated shampoo today, as I'm only to use it MWF. So I used the gentlest shampoo I have, Johnson's Baby Shampoo.

I still have a lot of shedding though, and even thinner hair. Oh well.


I guess I have nothing else to do but take care of myself and as always, trust the process.

Note: These Current State of the Crown Posts are posted a day late. Please refer to the date noted in the post instead of the date the post went live.

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