1/30

I feel like everything is going to pieces.
I stopped blogging for what, two weeks? to be able to process my host move, but it feels so much more than that. I feel like a piece of me is missing and I can't do anything to get it back.

I just want to feel safe.. and I can't feel safe.

I don't know how to make myself feel safe. If there's a place I can go to feel safe. It's like everywhere I go, things haunt me. Memories. Words. Sights. Places. Everything has something to contribute and I feel on the edge. I feel myself looking side to side expecting monsters to slash my throat or take my belongings or expose me.

I feel so hopeless and helpless and I fucking hate it.

I go through the motions of everyday knowing what to expect and yet not knowing what comes next.

I don't even know where to start blogging again or how to start telling me story again.

I want to get out of this hellhole and I guess all I have to do is start.

I am Janessa Pablo, 21 years old, and I recently got diagnosed with Alopecia Areata last January 9, 2018. My doctor prescribed corticosteroids and my dosage has been doubled. Despite that, my hairfall is still very active and I guess I have to inform my doctor about this as soon as possible. I also have Hypothyroidism and I need to get a bloodtest within the day. I am currently craving Marshmallow Fluff and for the loife of me I can't find any. I guess I would have to settle on some actual marshmallows for now. I have just transferred teams and I have yet to meet my team captain. My biggest fear right now would be getting fired due to a possible tardy I incurred today. I hope it's not too late and I hope no one really notices.

I feel like my February will start on a good track. I feel like I am ending January on a bad note but I guess there's still a day to figure that out. I just got P1700 rebate and I don't know what to do with it. I'll possibly just activate my Starbucks Card for a raffle chance. Then save the rest, I guess. I don't have much to begin with and I need all the extra money I can get.

My plans for February would be blogging daily and trying to get my Youtube channel up and running. I've been saying this for so long but I have yet to do it. I don't know what kind of content I will put up but most likely it will be makeup. Or maybe something about Alopecia. I don't know yet at this point. I'll just produce whatever content I feel like, I guess.

I really, really want marshmallows right now.

4AM

I didn't get any marshmallows.

Well I did, but I didn't eat them. I had an oatmeal raisin cookie and some breakfast drink instead. I guess that's substantial for now, instead of just sugar fueling my system. I don't know why I'm even justifying anything, everything I eat is sugar, after all. That's what keeps me going in this day and age.

I think I'm trying the Kakeibo budget method for February, just see how it goes for me. I'll post my version of it and how I'm going to make it work for myself. I also want to remake the apartment. Clean up things I don't need, pack up things I don't use and throw away any trash.

I'm also going to try meal planning again. So far I have a week's worth that should cost less than 1000. Let's see if I can manage that. All would consist of cooking at home after my shift and then just bringing leftovers to work for my lunch. It'd be like an interminnent fasting thing. What the hell is that, even? IDK, TBH.

7AM:
Usually at this time I feel all set to go home, but not today, of course. Today I have a shift until 12:30PM, which is is more or less 5 hours to go. Thank goodness I have a notepad to jot my thoughts down. Thank goodness it's not a stressful transition. But I feel like I would have to get my shift adjusted, since I need my medicine to be regulated with my schedule. Not sure, I'll have to check with my doctor first. But most likely not, let's just adjust to the schedule given. It's my penitence, I guess, for the shit show I ended my December with.

A whole quarter of a shitty sched, for glory when the next semester comes. I hope. I miss my school already. I don't know what to do with the free time I have now except to eat and sleep.

Damn, I am feeling some food coma right now. Or maybe I'm just really sleepy. I don't really know.

9AM:
This used to be my glory time, end of shift. But alas, I still have 3 hours to go.

11:00AM:
An hour and a half to go.. I'm really itching to pickup a little something for myself.. I manicure, a new lipstick, something. But I have to control my urges. Maybe I'll drop by the Dollar Store and see if they finally have some Marshmallow Fluff for me. I ate a few marshmallows earlier and they didn't satisfy me at all.

Yup. The marshmallows really don't cut it. I need Marshmallow Fluff. Or at least molten/caramelized/whatever marshmallow.

11:30AM:
One more hour to go. I have to pick up some Sisig because I don't really want to cook today. Then maybe check out stores for Marshmallow Fluff.

11:40AM:
Holy shit why did time suddenly decide to draaaaaag on?