I feel like everything is going to pieces.
I stopped blogging for
what, two weeks? to be able to process my host move, but it feels so
much more than that. I feel like a piece of me is missing and I can't do
anything to get it back.
I just want to feel safe.. and I can't feel safe.
I
don't know how to make myself feel safe. If there's a place I can go to
feel safe. It's like everywhere I go, things haunt me. Memories. Words.
Sights. Places. Everything has something to contribute and I feel on
the edge. I feel myself looking side to side expecting monsters to slash
my throat or take my belongings or expose me.
I feel so hopeless and helpless and I fucking hate it.
I go through the motions of everyday knowing what to expect and yet not knowing what comes next.
I don't even know where to start blogging again or how to start telling me story again.
I want to get out of this hellhole and I guess all I have to do is start.
I
am Janessa Pablo, 21 years old, and I recently got diagnosed with
Alopecia Areata last January 9, 2018. My doctor prescribed
corticosteroids and my dosage has been doubled. Despite that, my
hairfall is still very active and I guess I have to inform my doctor
about this as soon as possible. I also have Hypothyroidism and I need to
get a bloodtest within the day. I am currently craving Marshmallow
Fluff and for the loife of me I can't find any. I guess I would have to
settle on some actual marshmallows for now. I have just transferred
teams and I have yet to meet my team captain. My biggest fear right now
would be getting fired due to a possible tardy I incurred today. I hope
it's not too late and I hope no one really notices.
I feel like
my February will start on a good track. I feel like I am ending January
on a bad note but I guess there's still a day to figure that out. I just
got P1700 rebate and I don't know what to do with it. I'll possibly
just activate my Starbucks Card for a raffle chance. Then save the rest,
I guess. I don't have much to begin with and I need all the extra money
I can get.
My plans for February would be blogging daily and
trying to get my Youtube channel up and running. I've been saying this
for so long but I have yet to do it. I don't know what kind of content I
will put up but most likely it will be makeup. Or maybe something about
Alopecia. I don't know yet at this point. I'll just produce whatever
content I feel like, I guess.
I really, really want marshmallows right now.
4AM
I didn't get any marshmallows.
Well
I did, but I didn't eat them. I had an oatmeal raisin cookie and some
breakfast drink instead. I guess that's substantial for now, instead of
just sugar fueling my system. I don't know why I'm even justifying
anything, everything I eat is sugar, after all. That's what keeps me
going in this day and age.
I think I'm trying the Kakeibo budget
method for February, just see how it goes for me. I'll post my version
of it and how I'm going to make it work for myself. I also want to
remake the apartment. Clean up things I don't need, pack up things I
don't use and throw away any trash.
I'm also going to try meal
planning again. So far I have a week's worth that should cost less than
1000. Let's see if I can manage that. All would consist of cooking at
home after my shift and then just bringing leftovers to work for my
lunch. It'd be like an interminnent fasting thing. What the hell is
that, even? IDK, TBH.
7AM:
Usually at this time I feel all
set to go home, but not today, of course. Today I have a shift until
12:30PM, which is is more or less 5 hours to go. Thank goodness I have a
notepad to jot my thoughts down. Thank goodness it's not a stressful
transition. But I feel like I would have to get my shift adjusted, since
I need my medicine to be regulated with my schedule. Not sure, I'll
have to check with my doctor first. But most likely not, let's just
adjust to the schedule given. It's my penitence, I guess, for the shit
show I ended my December with.
A whole quarter of a shitty
sched, for glory when the next semester comes. I hope. I miss my school
already. I don't know what to do with the free time I have now except to
eat and sleep.
Damn, I am feeling some food coma right now. Or maybe I'm just really sleepy. I don't really know.
9AM:
This used to be my glory time, end of shift. But alas, I still have 3 hours to go.
11:00AM:
An
hour and a half to go.. I'm really itching to pickup a little something
for myself.. I manicure, a new lipstick, something. But I have to
control my urges. Maybe I'll drop by the Dollar Store and see if they
finally have some Marshmallow Fluff for me. I ate a few marshmallows
earlier and they didn't satisfy me at all.
Yup. The marshmallows really don't cut it. I need Marshmallow Fluff. Or at least molten/caramelized/whatever marshmallow.
11:30AM:
One
more hour to go. I have to pick up some Sisig because I don't really
want to cook today. Then maybe check out stores for Marshmallow Fluff.
11:40AM:
Holy shit why did time suddenly decide to draaaaaag on?
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