Coffee Induced Realizations | Life 2017

Let's try something different..

Like, live blogging. Blogging on the spot. Right now it's August 29, 2017, 1:08AM. I'm charging my Fitbit Blaze, drinking coffee and working.. or not. There's no queue right now which is why I can write down my thoughts. I'm a customer service representative, and all I can say is that it totally changed the way I think about cashiers, waiters, etc. If I was nice before, I'm positively angelic towards them now, specially to those who does their work right. If not, well I give them a piece of my mind. I've learned that it's not just about providing what the customer wants, but how you say it as well. I'm not saying that I'm all compassionate and understanding and peaceful whatever now, but I've improved. I still have my privileged Catholic school girl provinciana attitude though.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually miss brewed coffee. The coffee that Papa brews back when we still lived together. If I remember correctly, it's a mix of Arabica and Dark Roast.. I can drink that without sweetener or anything. The coffee I brew at home tastes horrendous even with sweetener and creamers so I just stopped drinking it altogether. I now get my coffee fix from either McDonald's when I'm in school or the coffee vendo machine here at work.

1:31AM - I logged a 30-minute break to stretch my legs and get my second cup of coffee. I use this tumbler from Starbucks which hold 473 ml.. Which means 3 servings from the coffee vendo machine. Yep, I'm that addicted to caffeine. I love how it's all foamy like a store bought latte, but that's what happens when you boil milk and pour it with a slow steady stream. I also took the time to play my favorite mobile game of the month, Bloons TD. I used to play this when I was a kid, when y8.com was all the rage. It's same game, but it's better. Even my boyfriend's hooked!

2:30AM - Now I'm planning my to-do list for later. Here's what's on my list right now;

8/29
File Pag Ibig Loan - ETA 3 weeks - for savings
Home
Film Hauls
Wash Dishes
Take out trash
Pack clothes

I plan to stay at the office for the rest of the week so that I can make use of the gym. I miss going to gym. I miss the times when I'm able to micro manage myself.. I really really want to bring that back.

3:25AM - I just realized that my outfit consists of a hoodie, jogging pants and well worn rubber shoes. You can either say this is a super fitness or super slob. I've had these jogging pants from Sassa and they are so comfortable I'd wear them everyday if I can.

3:34AM - As per my MFP logs, I have now consumed 2/3 of my allocated daily calorie intake just by coffee alone. If I could just drink black coffee, that would surely go down considerably. You know what's funny? I think something is really wrong with me. Like, inside me. I think I have an eating disorder.. I think this started when I started college. According to my grandmother, I was never a picky eater, I was always eating but I never gained any weight. Then when I got diagnosed hyperthyroidism and was treated as with hypothyroidism, a shift in me happened and I started being super self conscious. I literally shrunk before their eyes in college and checking back I look really tiny in college. I gained weight when I started going out with my current boyfriend.. and I think I can eat with no problem at all, but when I start eating I don't know how to stop. And when I stop I don't know how to start again. I can't rest either when I don't know what's my current weight or how many calories I currently have. I've looked up eating disorders but I can't place myself in any category. I think it would be best if I see someone, but I'm scared of the stigma of going to psychiatrists here in the Philippines. Like when I had my first OB visit, it's like the doctor was expecting me to blurt out that I'm pregnant or something and she was giving me stink eye. Then when I said I was there for UTI issues, she condescendingly asked if I was doing the deed. I'm not, but but if I was, is it wrong? You can say that I never went back to her. Currently looking for non-judgmental doctors covered by my health card.

Anyway, I want to start a fitness routine soon. Exercise, food, sleep, water.. all that. I'll keep you posted. I'm so inspired by the blogs I've been reading lately which is why I want to try it out for myself. I'll start on September 1st.

4AM - I've been checking out possible diets and I found the Oatmeal diet. Here's how to do it according to diet-blog.com

Phase One

    Dieters eat nothing but oatmeal for the first week.
    You can eat ½ cup of oatmeal for each meal, which may be combined with a ½ cup of skim milk if desired.
    Only whole oatmeal is allowed, not instant oatmeal.
    Instant oatmeal and granola bars should be avoided for the first seven days.
    Calorie consumption for the first seven days should be between 900-1200 calories per day.

Phase Two

    For the next 30 days, dieters continue having ½ cup of oatmeal three times a day in addition to their regular diet.
    Instant oatmeal is now permitted.
    Calories may now be increased slightly to 1000-1300 per day.
    A morning snack of a ½ cup of fruit and an afternoon snack of ½ cup raw vegetables are allowed.

This is probably the friendliest diet I can manage for now, so I'll try it and see how it goes. I'll also go back to the gym.

Am I looking to lose weight? Not really. More like lower my body fat percentage. I don't like being thin and flabby. Yes, I didn't know that was possible until I saw myself in the mirror.

6AM - So my hunch was right. There is something bad that's going to happen. I'm basically looking at a 4-day suspension which may or may not jeopardize my schooling. I can't deny it, there's no way that I can say I didn't do it to myself, because I did and the records show it. I know my fault, and I know what to do to avoid that fault.

Confusing? Let's back track.

I made the same mistake thrice. In real life, that's okay. There's forgiveness, and there's unlimited options for change and improvement. In the corporate world, not so much. Everything is put on paper and forgiveness is measured by a set period of time and hierarchy. Right now I have nine months to achieve forgiveness.

I can't help but think.. is this God's way of telling me that I have too much on my plate and that I'm spreading myself too thin? I mean, if this pushes through, I will get suspended, and in turn cut off my TIU privileges. Which would free up time and money for me.. Which can help me achieve two major goals that I have (being debt-free and growing my blog and Youtube channel).. But my status as a working student is what I believe to be my edge among others. It's what makes me special.

I don't want to lose that edge. Right now that's what's grounding me and making feel that I'm doing something with my life instead of just being a millenial zombie who works to survive because I thought I was strong enough to cut myself off from my parents.

So why did I let it go to waste?

I started with dropping a course and then being truant altogether. Now it will be taken away from me totally.



I don't want that to happen. I feel like I have adjusted myself and done what I can.. but I guess it isn't enough and I didn't try hard enough and now I'm paying the price. I have fixed my attendance, my satisfaction, my efficiency, all the other factors. I was flying high until two days ago. I feel like I've shot down. I was already celebrating and praising myself and thinking of how I'll reward myself and now this. Distraught would be a light term to describe what I'm feeling right now.

I thought I was finally reaping the benefits of positive thinking for my goal of passing my metrics.. but then it's not? I would blog about this, but I don't have access right now so please forgive my ramblings. I just don't know how to proceed at this point.

Although I have my Plan B's ready.. I would much rather go with Plan A.

Plan A consists of the Law of Attraction. I will focus on not getting a suspension. Not getting my TIU privileges taken away. Not committing any similar mistake. Instead, I will focus on being debt-free with a deadline -- before my 22nd birthday. I will focus on getting 5,000 blog followers and Youtube subscribers by August 2018. I will focus on getting a Baleen pay-out every month starting August 2017. I will focus on passing all my classes and being on top of the class. I will use the power of the universe to achieve my goals. If it requires that I micro manage myself, make sure that I know where I am every minute of every day and record it, I will. If it requires that I start right at this very moment, I will.

I will start with envisioning myself a year from now. Where do I see myself by August 29, 2018?

8:45AM - My shift's almost done, and I'm packing up. I've been listening to various motivational speeches and I'll full of positivity right now. I sincerely believe that I can make my goal changes in my life. That alone is enough for me right now.

This is quite a lengthy post, and I appreciate that you've reached this point. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below, I'm always listening.