102 | Literature 2017

You gave me so much memories. Memories I don't want to forget, but I don't want to remember either..

It's strange, that just when I thought I have forgotten about you, I just had to pass by that place. Your place. I just had to get a whiff of that scent. Your scent. 102.

Quite honestly, I froze, as if the world stopped. Every. Single. Memory. rushed back with no warning.

How we met, how we kissed, how you held me in your arms.

Our late night adventures, spontaneous trips and endless conversations.

Getting high and getting drunk.. in love?

No, never.

It was never love for us. It was the unknown that gave us our bond. My lips were never your drug. It was the taste of someone else, knowing that I was with someone else that turned you on and made you crave and desire me. It was, wasn't it? It was because I made myself available to you anytime and everytime you needed me. I was always there for you in the way I was never available to her. It was my inexperience that drew you in. You knew I was innocent, and you preyed on it. You corrupted me in the best way possible.

You taught me the how to disregard my plans, how to throw caution to the wind. You taught me how to trust in faith and to trust that everything will work out. You taught me to stop expecting anything, because you always did what I least expected. Why? You told me to believe in everything you said and promised, because you'll always do it. You did. Once, maybe twice. You promised that you'll always be there for me. You were, once upon a time. Then you weren't. I expected you to stay, but you didn't. I expected you to be there, but you never came. I expected you say it, but you never did. I expected everything from you, and you were nothing.

I'll blame it on the rose tinted glasses that you gave me, that fogged with the steam of your cooking.

I know my vision's bad, but my glasses were crystal clear. It slowly fogged with the hot plates of food you made for me. With my sighs everytime your lips met. With our heated exchanges everytime we fought. You colored it with red markers to disguise the blazing red flags my friends were waving at me. My vision was no longer bad, I got blinded, and holding on to you was the only direction I had. You lead me, lead me on towards the cliff. You whispered into my ear, saying that you'll catch me.. you'll always be there for me.. but you weren't. I fell. Hard.

I reached the bottom, broken and bloody, with your twisted fairytale to keep me company. I was so shattered.. I forgot myself. I tried building myself into the shape of you, only to fall apart again.

It was so fucking hard and you came.. to watch me.

I wanted you. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to claim you. I wanted you so much that I thought I needed you. I couldn't see anything or anyone else but you..

But you were already gone.

You left with sufficient explanations.. explanations I gave myself. Words that came back eating me alive. Words I wish I never said, because those very same words built my chains I was never able to break.

I spent agonizing days trying to reach you, be with you.. until one day I woke up with clear glasses.. the tint and fog washed away by tears. I stopped running after you, and started rebuilding myself piece by piece into who I really am. I started to see all the blood red flags surrounding you.

I deleted all traces of you, I threw away every single broken piece that resembled you and what we had. I washed all memories of you from the places we used to go.

I felt brand new, and I felt like I was able to move on..

Until that day, that place, that scent..

Fuck you, 102.

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