It's 1am right now at and I'm not sure when I'll finish this post, but I hope what I do write will be immortalized by the internet.
I am no longer fearless.
For the past few days the most vivid emotion I have is fear. I am scared to sleep, scared to wake up, scared to go out, scared to face people. My anxiety levels are as high as it was nearly five years ago when.. that's another story tell, maybe in the future when I'm ready to share. But, yes. These anxiety levels are slowly but surely climbing up and it's threatening my whole curated system of me.
How long till I breakdown?
I would have never thought that this would happen, with all the things I have that's grounding me.
My dance buddies
My best friends for life!
My partner in crime
My pretty team mates
My beloved family
My favorite class photo
My TIU fam
I am lost.
In my pursuit of finding myself, I lost myself.
How oxymoronic right?
How the hell do you lose something you're looking for while looking for it? It's already gone in the first place!
And writing it down just confirms my innermost thoughts.
I already had me.
Provincial Youth Conference
YLTG pictorial
A scrapbook page
Dekada 70’s project
My sister’s birthday
Principal flower girl during my parents’ wedding
Supergirl!
My favorite “tumblr-esque” photo
Christmas ’08
A sheet from my scrapbook
NY Baddie
#nomakeup #nofilter
I was already myself years ago. I already knew who I was. I already knew what I want, where I want to be and how to get there. I knew what I liked, hated, loved, treasured, cherished.
My first photoshoot
Behind the scenes from one of my short films
BTS: Love Language
Trying my hand at makeup artistry
BTS: Samahang Alas Doce 2015
Directing one of my short films
I loved to create. I loved to write, paint, compose songs, produce videos and challenge myself to make my ideas come to life. I liked sharing my thoughts with other people. I liked to argue and debate and counter ideas just for the hell of it.
Hmm. Why does this sound like a post I've already done?
I'm so sorry to diffuse the mood but I needed to take a break because I was falling asleep. Give me a moment to recover.
Um, yeah. It's 4am now and reading this unfinished post that I have, I feel some sort of sadness from it. Right now I no longer feel sad because I've had 3 cups of coffee, but reading these words I can feel just how lost I am. How much of this misdirection was being covered up by cups of coffee and energy drinks and bingeing and starving and sleeping.
Damn, I never meant this to be an emotional post but I guess that's how this will turn out.
Dear little lost me, come back to me.
I don't know how or when or where, but remember that I'll do all that I can to get you back, starting with reconnecting with one of my truest creative roots -- writing.
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