I feel like everything is going to pieces.
I stopped blogging for what, two weeks? to be able to process my host move, but it feels so much more than that. I feel like a piece of me is missing and I can't do anything to get it back.

I just want to feel safe.. and I can't feel safe.

I don't know how to make myself feel safe. If there's a place I can go to feel safe. It's like everywhere I go, things haunt me. Memories. Words. Sights. Places. Everything has something to contribute and I feel on the edge. I feel myself looking side to side expecting monsters to slash my throat or take my belongings or expose me.

I feel so hopeless and helpless and I fucking hate it.

I go through the motions of everyday knowing what to expect and yet not knowing what comes next.

I don't even know where to start blogging again or how to start telling me story again.

I want to get out of this hellhole and I guess all I have to do is start.

I am Janessa Pablo, 21 years old, and I recently got diagnosed with Alopecia Areata last January 9, 2018. My doctor prescribed corticosteroids and my dosage has been doubled. Despite that, my hairfall is still very active and I guess I have to inform my doctor about this as soon as possible. I also have Hypothyroidism and I need to get a bloodtest within the day. I am currently craving Marshmallow Fluff and for the loife of me I can't find any. I guess I would have to settle on some actual marshmallows for now. I have just transferred teams and I have yet to meet my team captain. My biggest fear right now would be getting fired due to a possible tardy I incurred today. I hope it's not too late and I hope no one really notices.

I feel like my February will start on a good track. I feel like I am ending January on a bad note but I guess there's still a day to figure that out. I just got P1700 rebate and I don't know what to do with it. I'll possibly just activate my Starbucks Card for a raffle chance. Then save the rest, I guess. I don't have much to begin with and I need all the extra money I can get.

My plans for February would be blogging daily and trying to get my Youtube channel up and running. I've been saying this for so long but I have yet to do it. I don't know what kind of content I will put up but most likely it will be makeup. Or maybe something about Alopecia. I don't know yet at this point. I'll just produce whatever content I feel like, I guess.

I really, really want marshmallows right now.

4AM

I didn't get any marshmallows.

Well I did, but I didn't eat them. I had an oatmeal raisin cookie and some breakfast drink instead. I guess that's substantial for now, instead of just sugar fueling my system. I don't know why I'm even justifying anything, everything I eat is sugar, after all. That's what keeps me going in this day and age.

I think I'm trying the Kakeibo budget method for February, just see how it goes for me. I'll post my version of it and how I'm going to make it work for myself. I also want to remake the apartment. Clean up things I don't need, pack up things I don't use and throw away any trash.

I'm also going to try meal planning again. So far I have a week's worth that should cost less than 1000. Let's see if I can manage that. All would consist of cooking at home after my shift and then just bringing leftovers to work for my lunch. It'd be like an interminnent fasting thing. What the hell is that, even? IDK, TBH.

7AM:
Usually at this time I feel all set to go home, but not today, of course. Today I have a shift until 12:30PM, which is is more or less 5 hours to go. Thank goodness I have a notepad to jot my thoughts down. Thank goodness it's not a stressful transition. But I feel like I would have to get my shift adjusted, since I need my medicine to be regulated with my schedule. Not sure, I'll have to check with my doctor first. But most likely not, let's just adjust to the schedule given. It's my penitence, I guess, for the shit show I ended my December with.

A whole quarter of a shitty sched, for glory when the next semester comes. I hope. I miss my school already. I don't know what to do with the free time I have now except to eat and sleep.

Damn, I am feeling some food coma right now. Or maybe I'm just really sleepy. I don't really know.

9AM:
This used to be my glory time, end of shift. But alas, I still have 3 hours to go.

11:00AM:
An hour and a half to go.. I'm really itching to pickup a little something for myself.. I manicure, a new lipstick, something. But I have to control my urges. Maybe I'll drop by the Dollar Store and see if they finally have some Marshmallow Fluff for me. I ate a few marshmallows earlier and they didn't satisfy me at all.

Yup. The marshmallows really don't cut it. I need Marshmallow Fluff. Or at least molten/caramelized/whatever marshmallow.

11:30AM:
One more hour to go. I have to pick up some Sisig because I don't really want to cook today. Then maybe check out stores for Marshmallow Fluff.

11:40AM:
Holy shit why did time suddenly decide to draaaaaag on?






1/30

by on January 29, 2017
I feel like everything is going to pieces. I stopped blogging for what, two weeks? to be able to process my host move, but it feels so muc...
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Before you met her, she already had a life of her own. That's what attracted you to her in the first place. That she was fierce and independent and amazingly, so amazingly stubborn. That she never backed down from any challenge or let someone else intimidate her. You loved her confident stride and how her head was always held up high. How there was always a bounce in her step, a smile on her lips and determination in her eyes.

She's fire, she's the sea. Her bubbly personality can change to a savage one should someone she cares about gets hurt. She can be a sinner or a saint. A princess and a warrior. She was the girl of your dreams and nightmares.

And so you pursued her. Cherished her and treated her far better than any other. Made her feel special, got to know her on a more personal level. Called and texted her every minute of every day. You met her parents, the two most important people in her entire world. You met her bestfriends, spent every possible free time with her and cared for her like no one could. You earned her trust, her affection, her love. She said yes.

It started with small things. Things you asked her to change and she complied. She thought it was cute and that it was manageable. She adjusted for you, and you for her. It was perfect. There were times when you argued and fought, yes, but after some down time and kisses, you were good as new.

What changed?

From little things, it went on to how she dressed, where she went, who she's with and even what she said. She obeyed as much as she could to keep the peace, but some days she just can't. Little by little you chipped off pieces of her true self and tried to fit her in your cookie cutter mold. Each tiny cut bled, and with her blood, out flowed a bit of her love. Her trust. Her affection.

She tried to heal herself, made herself into what you've always dreamed of and tried to fight for both of you. She tried to recover what she lost and willed herself to stay and persevere and hold on. She bound her old self and secured it with every ounce of conviction she has. She wanted to appease you, whatever gods you're trying to sacrifice her true self to.

However, the more she bound herself to you, the more she fights herself. It's a never ending battle, one she doesn't want to admit defeat because doing so would mean losing you. You're all that she has and you're all that she loves and only time will tell if she'll ever learn how to love without you. She's scared of what the future will bring and what will happen if she takes another blow.

Do you understand?

It's been two years and although friendship is your foundation and love is your shield, it isn't enough. There's also compromise and communication and understanding and freedom and a lot more other factors to keep you going. Right from the start you knew she's not one to back down, or break down or submit to others. For you she did. She's not one to change, or adjust or sacrifice. For your relationship, she did. She's not one for tears, or apologies. To keep the peace, she did.

I'm not saying it's a one-way street, that you did nothing. I only want you to realize that pushing her too much to the edge might make her decide to close her eyes and just jump to her death. Your relationship's death. She's fighting for both of you, trying to make you understand her side and making you see reason. She's trying to hold on and keep her faith and believe in you that you'll come around. Take her hand and pull her up.

Put your arms around her and remember all your promises that you'll be there for her and support and be her number one fan. Remember that this girl, your woman, doesn't need a bodyguard. She needs a companion. She needs a coach, a cheerleader, a motivator. She needs someone who'll hold her hands, tell her that she can and encourage to become her best self. She's a warrior in her own right, and she can stand on her own two feet.

You know that right?

That's why you fell in love with her in the first place. Because she's different and she's  unique and one of a kind. Because she's an outcast, but she wears that badge with pride. Because she's never a princess, waiting for others to do the job for her. She's a motherfucking queen who gets shit done and gets her hands dirty if it means being able to resolve the problem. Because she's the first one to say yes and lend a hand and show others that there's another way out. She's a trendsetter, a trailblazer, a whistle blower.

She's your queen. She's your woman. She's your other half. She's your mirror. She's best friend and worst enemy. She's your toughest competitor. She's yours, and will only stay yours if open your eyes.
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In accordance to my 2017 Major Goals, I am making to post to add some accountability, and to put in writing what my plans are for my finances this year.

My main financial goal this year is to finish the 52-Week Money Challenge, which I learned through a Facebook page, Peso Sense, and looking it up on the web, I also found it on the blog Kuripot Pinay. The simplest explanation for it is that you choose a base amount to save, (whether 10, 20, 30 etc), and start with that base amount on week 1, and multiplying it by the week # of the year. A year has more or less 52 weeks, and so by the end of the year, you should have x52 of your base amount. The most common base amount is 50-100, but I feel like that would be a bit too heavy when the mid-year comes, so I decided to start with PhP20. I am from the Philippines so I am using Philippine Peso as my currency. You can also use this for any currency, simply adjust it to what's manageable for you.

Here's what will my chart look like.

(photo from Kuripot Pinay blog)



So as you see, by the end of the year I should have a total of PhP27,560. Hopefully I can manage. *crossing fingers*

The money I'll get from this one will also be my "untouchable", meaning that I can't take any amount from it until the end of the year. It sounds really hard for me, and I pray to all the gods out there to help me strengthen my resolve. This will also be the money that I'll use to open a savings account for 2018. This will also be my Travel Fund, as my 2018 will be my Travel Year.

Of course, I would need a safety net, or an emergency fund. This will come from the PhP750 I plan to set aside every time I get cash. The total I'll get from this by the end of the year will be used to get my credit card.

I'd also like to continue my practice of saving all my coins leftover everyday, no matter how much the amount. This will be put in a separate container and I'll let myself take some amount from this part if the need arises. The total amount from this will be my Christmas Splurge.

Since I like Microsoft Excel so much, I made a table showing how my whole year will be. (Yes, I made my own PhP20 chart)



Here's my Safety Net chart. If I don't take any cash from this one, I'll have PhP18,000 by the end of the year. Not bad.



As for my daily expenses, I want to continue with a PhP200 daily budget. The coins I'll save will come from the left over from my daily budget.

Now that I have all of those in writing, I hope I can be better guided on how I manage my money and be reminded of how I want to spend my money. It's about time I get serious with this money thingy.

Happy New Year ~ !
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23 Jan 2018I was tagged by one of my blogger friends, Liz, to do this post. Check out her blog, Daily Warriors,  and her 2017 Major Goals post. It's a very positive blog (unlike mine, LOL) that I like to visit from time to time to boost my mood and keep me on the right track.

To be honest, I was actually thinking of making a similar New Year Resolutions post to my 2016 one, but this 3 Major Goal post is much better. This way I can stay focused and not be overwhelmed by all the changes I will do.

    Complete the 52-week Money Challenge
    Reach 1,000 subscribers by the end of 2017
    Be a Top Performer both in school and work.

I guess those are all pretty self-explanatory, and I'll just make updates throughout the year to see how far I've gone. I think I'll also keep this post short and sweet, and leave it as is. Simple and straight to the point.

If you'd like to make your own version, feel free to do so! This is a tag post after all! And so, if you're reading this, I tag you! <3
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